Cali Kush.

Puff. Puff. Pass.

A strong hit of that California girl.

The first time I tried her, I got slightly faded from the sight of lackadaisical palm trees. Gracefully, they swayed and waved to me everyday. I could practically see their positive vibes radiating all around me. The second time I tried that California girl….

I. Got. blazed.

The thrill, the rush, and the excitement were instantly pumping through my veins. I needed more and I became addicted. There was something new to see and do every single day. Nothing about my new life was typical or routined.

On my way to work, I got high simply from glancing over at the mountains and beautiful homes that were placed perfectly, yet dangerously on each winding hill. It all looked something like some type of magical backdrop, and I couldn’t even begin to comprehend such wizardry. 

I was organically faded from the beauty all around me. I met some of the most unique, open-minded, stereotypical, appalling, creative, lost, and inspiring souls. I was a woman running with the wolves unapologetically.

I was able to escape what I had left back at home. Fear, anxiety, and stress started to become foreign. And I instantly hated anything or anyone that tampered with this new found Bob Marley, no dread having, but still irie vibe I had going on.

....until that same high came down. 

So I sobered up and later tried to get that Chicago girl high that I use to love. Initially it wasn’t the same. Nothing around me was the same. My friends were all at different stages in their lives, and I was starting to wonder if I were even capable of connecting with anyone or anything around me anymore. 

No palm trees. No mountains. No Bob Marley. 

Just depression and feelings of loneliness.

It took me a good month of crying and feeling like my life was lifeless, until that Chicago girl high kicked in and did what she does best. I was reminded that creating beauty starts with me, no matter how many magical backdrops I think I want to see.

I can meet lost, inspiring, and creative individuals wherever I go. She reminded me about the importance of watering and growing the relationships that I already had....regardless of where other people may be in life.

So...

While California girl high taught me that the crazy things that I worry about in life really aren’t that serious…Chicago girl high continues to humble and mentally strengthen me...

...and that’s what I like to call dope. 

Puff. Puff. Pass.

-L

Stronger

Hard times. They come and go. And I suppose that will always be the case. There’s no such thing as reaching perfection and never looking back. 

I like to run away from hard times and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. “Be strong” means act like nothings wrong. At least that’s what I tell myself. 

The more I run, the closer it gets. This “stuff” I have to deal with.  

In the midst of learning to live with life as a single mom, the smallest daily activities have brought about questions like...

“Why do I have to carry this heavy car seat by myself?” (The way I walk isn't really stroller friendly.)

I asked this questions to myself every morning for weeks as I walked a block to Austin's daycare from my car. I would use that as a reason to start off each day with a little bit of sadness. And then it dawned on me...

It'll never kill me to carry a heavy carseat. I just get stronger EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Now it doesn't even phase me. 

It's funny, we go to the gym to work out for an hour trying to get stronger or build endurance but that's the only hour of the day we want to work on it. Outside of that we don't even take the stairs. 

"Why do I have to give up MY baby for visits?” and “How did I end up at home ALONE?"

I remember the first day I was home alone. It was quiet. I didn’t have any plans, wasn’t sure what I wanted to watch, didn’t feel like talking on the phone. I wasn’t necessarily sad but I just didn’t know what to do with myself and I was wondering how I got here. And then I heard God's voice. 

Vanessa, you are going to have to learn to BE ENOUGH without defining yourself by a connection to another person. Including your child. 

Mind. Blown. 

It was like one of those times you're talking to your best friend and they finally tell you something they've been noticing about you for a long time. And you can't even say anything because you know they're right. 

Becoming a mom changes your life. You have a whole new responsibility and you fall in love with being needed. I had to check myself and realize that me not wanting to let Austin go was MY problem. He was going to be perfectly fine. I just needed him to need me and I realized it was an ego motivated thought. 

I'm feeling LIBERATED and grateful for the strength that comes with every passing day. 

xo, 

Ness

My Journey to Motherhood

I barely wrote anything in 2017. I let an entire year go by and avoided one of the things I love most. I didn’t know why, but I just couldn’t do it.

As most of you know, I was pregnant during most of the year. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I realize that I couldn't write because I was afraid to tap into any negative thoughts. I was reluctant to even admit some things to myself. I’m a strong believer that “whatever you feel, the baby feels”, so I had to choose my feelings wisely.

The only thing I allowed myself to experience was the peace and calm that I felt with Austin growing inside of me. I relied on those feelings to get me through.

Everything else had to wait.

Now that Austin is here and I’m beyond the initial excitement of his birth, I’m free to “feel” again. Im starting to recognize the FEAR that I felt. I can acknowledge the ISOLATION I experienced which was one of the most difficult parts. I can admit to the INSECURITY that consumed me because life wasn’t going the way I had planned. And I’m more aware of how EXPOSED and vulnerable I felt during that time.

FEAR

Change is always scary. I had already experienced a major life change the previous year with the loss of my dad and was just learning how to cope with the new normal. Now everything was changing again. I didn’t feel ready, emotionally or financially. I was nervous about pregnancy but downright afraid of what things would be like once the baby was here.

ISOLATION

I was the first person out of ALL of my friends, both married and single, to have a baby. Suddenly it seemed like I couldn’t relate to anyone the same way and like no one understood what I was dealing with. I couldn’t drink anymore and that changed my social life completely. I’d still try to go out with everyone and order club soda and lime and try to be a fun person while everyone else actually had fun. I felt out of place and after a while, i just stayed home most weekends.

Even though my friends, family and my boyfriend were all extremely supportive, I was the only person who was pregnant. Everyone else could still go back to their “normal” lives. That in itself was painfully lonely sometimes.

INSECURITY

When I was a little girl, I always thought I’d be married by 25 and start having kids around 28. Well, I’m 28. But I’m not married. I’ll admit, I was very hard on myself about that. I even got fixated on the potential judgements of others for the first time in a long time. I regret robbing myself of the joy I could've felt about the blessing that was headed our way. 

EXPOSED

Pregnancy felt more private to me than I ever thought it would. When people are married and they announce a pregnancy, people act like the stork just dropped off a blessing. When you’re not, it seems like people automatically think about your sex life. People ask questions about birth control. They ask about how your relationship is actually going [insert negative connotation]. They ask if you’re moving in together. “Are you getting married?” People that didn’t know anything about my life suddenly felt comfortable asking alllllll the questions. Even complete strangers! I never felt more introverted and vulnerable than I did when I was pregnant.

It feels good to acknowledge and release everything that’s been built up. It feels good to move forward. Honestly, looking at Austin, anything I'm worried about just disappears. He has really put everything into perspective for me. 

-Ness

No one REALLY cares THAT much about you!

Sometimes I find myself still making decisions based upon what others would say or think.

We all do.

When I was younger, this toxic thought process use to handicap me from doing anything. Recently, I’ve had to remind myself that no one really cares about me...THAT much.

It’s so simple. 

People may give you compliments here and there, boost your ego from time to time, and tell you over and over again about how much they adore everything about you...

or...

They may tell you that you suck at everything you do, provide you with consistent bad vibes, or gossip daily about what you post on Instagram.

But in the grand scheme of it all, no one actually cares that much about you. People say and do things without much thought all the time. They say hurtful things all the time, and while you’re obsessing over the one little negative comment they made about you, they’ve forgotten what was said by the next minute. 

I use to go to work and feel like every single action I made was being super observed and watched by everyone around me. But half the time, everyone is really worried about themselves. And that’s what it really comes down to. 

So, might as well become your own number one best friend (unless you’re putting Jesus first lol), and go for it all. Why put your dreams, goals, and desires on hold for others? Do exactly what’s set on your heart, because at the end of the day.....

No one really cares that much about you.

-L

 

I Am Woman

I want passion
I want pain

I want stability
I want change

I want simplicity
I want intricacy

I want celibacy
I want sex

I want power
I want protection

I want darkness
I want light

I want intimacy
I want distance

I want progression
I want antiquity

I want boundaries
I want freedom

I want companionship
I want solitude

I want conflict
I want peace

I want sympathy
I want equality

I want utopia
I want sobriety

I want you
I want me

Womanhood is a twisted web of desires. Sometimes we don't know what we want. Other times, we know exactly what we want and we want it now. Womanhood is a continuous evolution. An endless growth spurt. Womanhood is powerful. Womanhood is sacred. 

-Ness

Closer to Home

I wrote this post months ago and never posted it, but I always seem to get a reminder that the message is still relevant. 

For years, I have felt bad about not knowing all of the latest international news and not getting tangled up in the latest political adversities. Between racial debates and protests, celebrity gossip, devastating news stories, violence and death - there is ALWAYS something to be upset about. People want to talk about it at work, at happy hour, at dinner. I just can't connect. 

I have realized that that keeping my distance from all of it is one of the ways I'm able to keep my peace. I do think it's important to be knowledgeable about what's going on in the world, and I admit I'm a little oblivious. But now I see people all over social media finding new things to be sad and outraged about every day. Another incident of police brutality, another shooting, another infant death, another Trump debacle. I choose not to spend my days that way. 

There's enough that goes on in my personal life with myself, family and friends to keep me adequately occupied. I choose to keep my concerns closer to home. 

-Ness

Surrender

I can feel you pressing me, molding me. 

I can feel you teaching me and guiding me. 

I can feel you building me up, breaking me down. 

I can feel you testing me and trusting me. 

I can feel you healing me, holding me. 

I can feel you changing me. 

There was a time when I would resist. I would try my hardest to take control. To make decisions. I would try to devise a plan. But now I surrender, I comply.  

-Ness

Finish your breakfast. It's a phrase that inspired a journal entry of mine in 2015. You've heard it before, especially if you know Jay-Z's Public Service Announcement and now Kill Jay-Z. I'm a fan of his as much as the next person, but I'm not here to piggy back on the hype of his latest album. When I heard him repeat that same piece of advice 14 years later, I just couldn't ignore the synergy.

What does it mean anyway? Regardless of what "Strict" meant by it, to me it means finish what you start. But not only that. It means focus on breakfast and finish that before you start thinking about lunch or dinner. In other words, stay present and live in the moment. Absorb everything that this moment has to offer rather than wasting it anticipating the future. 

We live in a world where instant gratification is expected. And the absence of an instant reward or instant success story is the cause for anxiety and depression in many cases. Everyone is always talking about their next move, their dream job, the next trip they're taking. Women are thinking about marriage before the second date. I even know people who are living their lives thinking about what will sound good in their future documentary. 

Finish your breakfast. 

It's cool to have a vision for your life. But let's be realistic about our goals and understand why we want it and what it will take to get there. Let's be thoughtful about the stages we'll have to go through and the experience needed. Let's learn everything we can before we leave that job we think we hate instead of just focusing on being an entrepreneur because "not working for the man" sounds good. Let's focus on how our "dreams" will generate revenue and not just popularity. Let's think about the lifestyle that these "dreams" will bring us and if it's truly what we want. 

Did I just go on a rant? Sorry! 

By no means am I advocating for complacency, but I do think there's value in being okay with where you are on this journey and acknowledging what current times have to offer.

Let's be real. Let's be present. Let's be smart about this thing called life. 

Oh, and don't believe the hype. 

xo, 

Ness

It's been a long time since Lauren and I have posted. 

For some reason, I couldn't connect as easily and write as freely as I once did. We've talked about it over and over again and promised to keep writing. But then a month would pass, and another month. One thing I love about our blog is that we don't post unless we truly feel moved and inspired. It's not forced. It's not just for the sake of maintaining readership. But even still, we could not quite put our finger on why things hadn't been coming to us as naturally lately. 

And then we realized, we are evolving. 

We started the blog in a time where we needed to awaken a more creative side of our minds. We were becoming women who realized that we have the power to create the lives we want to live, which takes a while to process before you can truly act on it. It's almost like we used this as a place to sort our thoughts and and talk ourselves through the changes that were happening inside of us. We were also deep in the midst of the most devastating loss. 

The Outsiders has been like therapy for us and I think it always will. But now instead of just writing and living inside our own minds, we both realize it's time to put our thoughts into action and then write about that. 

So we have been busy to say the least. 

As some of you may have seen, Friday was my last day of work at Ogilvy & Mather! I've been working in advertising for 4 years between LA and Chicago. I'll always have a passion for building brands, but I realized there's more than one way to do that. I'm stepping away from what I thought was my dream job to open my own business with my sister! I can't spill all the details just yet, but I will share more information as soon as I can.

For me, it's not about just finding a way to not "work for the man". I've never had a problem with that. This career change is about redesigning my life and fully immersing myself into something I'm passionate about, using the skills I've developed over time. Two years ago, you couldn't have told me that I'd be bold enough to make this change. I would have let fear tell me that I couldn't do it. I actually wouldn't have even considered it a real option. But so much has changed in me since then, fear isn't even a factor in the choices I'm making. I had no problem making the decision to just go for it, work hard, and make it happen. 

And Lauren...well she's Superwoman. She's been working nights as a nurse in the neonatal intensive care unit at the University of Chicago. Literally saving lives. And she's in grad school to get her master's degree and become and Nurse Practitioner. Did I mention she's getting straight A's? AND she's been working on starting her YouTube channel which will be lifestyle focused. It's an extension of The Outsiders, so she'll be sharing her perspective in any and every way. 

Thanks to you guys for sticking with us as we evolve. 

-Ness

What is it that makes you more of a woman than me? Or I than you?

What is it about these labels that validate you and not me?

What have I done so great that my value outweighs yours?

What is it about my beauty that makes you feel inferior? As if you don't possess your own.

After all, we live in a world where style can outweigh prettiness, and grace can overshadow genetics. Personality can make you alluring. And the right perfume can make you enticing. 

But success? These days, especially as a late twenty-something, success is the main cause for comparison.

And so I ask, what is it that makes me more successful than you? Or you than I? 

Is it the amount of money you make? The names on your resume? The number of degrees you have? The "links in bio"?

Or is it the places you've been? The pictures you take? The followers you have?

Oh how could I forget, it must be the relationship you're in. The engagement ring, the wedding dress, the honeymoon.

Is it the events you attend, the car you drive, the people you know?

Is it the length of your hair, the hair you buy or the shoes you wear?

No, it must be your natural hair journey that has made you more in tune with the earth and therefore wiser than words.

What is it about your artistry that makes you worth more than me? Or I than you?

What is it about your serenity that makes you more interesting than me? Or I than you?

Oh I see, it must be your deep knowledge of history and scripture that makes you more sophisticated.

But what is it about your struggle that makes you stronger than me?

There's nothing wrong with asking yourself questions. But these questions don't always need answers. There's nothing that makes you more woman than me, and me more powerful than you aside from our own minds. There's nothing more magical than realizing you're an eternal spirit, just living an earthly life. And there's nothing more satisfying than realizing that God is in you, and that in itself is enough. 

You are enough.

-Ness

My Last Post in 2016!

This year has been very....colorful to say the least. I've experienced what it feels like to drift as high as the clouds on a sunny day. And as I met with the sun on my way up, it kissed my golden brown skin. This sent a rush of happiness that had been lost, perseverance that had been stolen, and strength that had been broken back down my spine. 

Everything wasn't picture perfect in 2016 though. I met some lows that were as dark and scary as a 5 year old's worst nightmare. Nightmares that would make you want to jump out from under the covers and sprint into your mother's warm and safe arms so that she can comfort and protect you. Protect you from fear, the unknown, and even from yourself.

Regardless, this was one of the most beautiful years of my life.

It was beautiful because of the mental shifts that were made. 

It was beautiful because of growth. 

It was beautiful because I decided for myself that I was going to make it beautiful.

I somehow managed to take each and every red, white, and blue life experience to make my own personalized version of what people call the American dream. That dream consisted of being mentally free. That dream is what I call real liberation. And to achieve this dream, I had to take all the colors that were handed to me and create one big beautiful picture of peace. The good and the bad became instrumental to creating my masterpieces. As a result, some of my best work was developed.

I've created "My Work of Art" while learning the "Tap Lessons" of life. I saw myself detach from "Daddy's Little Girl" and became a "Lonely Soul". This led me to entering different "Construction Zones" so I could learn how to live life free and "Untitled".  I've embraced feeling "No Connection" with old friends who are now "Perfect Strangers". And while "Rebuilding Happiness" , I realized I had to be strong "For the 10 likes or less girl". But, because of these circumstances, I saw the beauty in it all and used it to Meet the Outsiders. 

And that's just how magic happens. 

Goodbye 2016, and hello 2017.

-L

I want to get back to the core of me. The bare bones. The naked me. The version of me that's unbothered by the coldness of the world. I need to focus on the parts of me that remain unchanged no matter what.

Lately, things have been changing faster than ever. And I must admit I've been blowing in the wind a little bit, swaying back and forth mindlessly. I've been following along rather than taking control. I've simply been responding to life rather than realizing that I have to shape it. I've been distracted, overwhelmed and overstimulated.

I can tell that change is going to be a theme of the next season in my life. It's going to require some flexibility, but it's also going to require me to stand strong and be unchangeable. I can't be easily angered, easily influenced or easily discouraged. I have to be level-headed and conscious of the energy I give and receive. I have to be firm in what I believe. I have to believe in my vision wholeheartedly. I have to be dedicated to execution. I have to trust myself. 

Like bones, I have to provide the structural foundation for what I want to see in my life. I'm working on it. 

-Ness

I've been keeping my personal journal going, but haven't posted here in a while because I've had so many conflicting and unrelated thoughts all at once. It felt like I was being pulled in every direction and wasn't sure if I was in a place to share. I'm starting to realize that all along, I've been fighting to find the middle. Through good, bad, up and down, somehow life is creating balance. 

For a long time, balance for me was about pulling myself back from sadness. But now I see that it's so much more than that. 

Sometimes balance is about practicing self love while keeping my ego in its place. 

Sometimes it's about noticing jealousy and comparison when it creeps into my subconscious. 

Sometimes it's about being confident enough in myself to realize that I'm not required to be perfect all the time. 

Sometimes it's about acknowledging when I'm uncomfortable and just riding the wave, or choosing to change the situation. Either way is fine. 

Sometimes, for me, balance is not defining myself by what others think of me but still always being my best self. 

Balance is realizing that no one is perfect, but knowing that I'm still entitled to set expectations and distance myself from people who don't meet them. 

Balance is being caring and empathetic, but not taking on other people's problems. 

Balance is enjoying my social life, but keeping my priorities straight. 

Sometimes (all the time) balance is simply about lowering my voice, the constant struggle. 

And now that Donald Trump has been elected President, in real life, balance is about staying focused and faithful in the face of adversity.

For me, balance isn't necessarily about being happy vs. sad. It's about finding peace and quiet. It's about good nights of sleep. It's about learning how to be calm. 

-Ness

Construction Zone

Under Construction…

I find myself constantly in a mental war zone. The older I get, the more I discover a new personality trait that may or may not have been inside of me all along. When I was younger, I never had a problem with thinking before I spoke. In fact, I spoke very little. No matter how brutally honest I wanted to be, I kept it contained and made sure my words were sweet, polite, and sugar coated. But currently at 27,  thinking before I speak has become a little more of a challenge. Especially without coming off too blunt. I’m not sure if the world around me has molded me into this type of person, or if that's just who I was going to be all along. Often times, people don’t know how to handle this type of Lauren. So now, I feel the communication spirits trying to desperately mold me back to how I use to be.

A Detour…

Instead of telling that one friend that she is absolutely crazy for entertaining the same situation she’s been trying to leave alone for years, I have to find a detour route and tell her that I don’t totally agree with her decision, but I love her and will be here for her regardless of the outcome.  Instead of automatically giving my unsolicited advice, I need to take the detour and truly gauge when someone even really wants my advice or just wants to be heard. And instead of telling my loved ones all the things they have done wrong...I need a selfie. I need a picture  that allows me to evaluate and see what was wrong with myself first before critiquing another persons selfie.

Traffic…

These "detours" causes me mental congestion. So now am I just biting my tongue or being a decent human being? Am I standing up for myself, or am I turning the other cheek? Am I just being a realist, or just being…too much?

When Traffic Subsides…

I guess what it really comes down to is a lot less judgement, and a little more compassion. Often times, me being blunt or saying something thoughtless is the result of me forgetting. Forgetting to check myself, and forgetting that he or she deep down has their own under instruction zones that need to be worked on.

I forget that WE ALL say thoughtless things or act out in strange ways from time to time. We also ALL have a story to tell, a struggle we faced, or a loved one we've lost (consider yourself lucky if not). Unconsciously our past hurt, fears, insecurities, struggles, and so forth still creep up in our present actions and language. We forget that just because a year or two has passed, whatever pain that was brought upon us some years ago can still creep up on us without any warning. All you’re left with is unexplained behavior in your neighbors eyes.

Home.

All in all, I am who I am. That can’t be changed overnight. But I know I must put more effort into remembering. Remembering that none of us are perfect. Remembering that it’s ok to speak your mind, yet it’s ok to be a listening ear as well. 

-L

For far too long, I have sat silently expecting people in my life to understand the basics of friendship. I've been silly enough to think it was common knowledge. I've even been taught to lower my expectations to minimize disappointment. I've been convinced to make excuses for others and continue to pour myself into them regardless. 

I am learning that my assumptions and lack of communication is the fuel that keeps these fires thriving, so I decided to speak up. The rules listed below illustrate a few of the basic principles of friendship from my perspective. Thank God for amazing friends that show me this kind of love all the time. 

1) Support each other. Be there for each other in the good times and the bad. Celebrate each other's accomplishments big or small. Make it a priority to lift each other up. 

2) Be loyal. It's simple, don't do obviously bogus things to people that you love. Consider their feelings. Don't do things to friends that you wouldn't do to your family. 

3) Use discernment. Know when to keep things light and when to be serious. Know when to cut a roasting session short. Don't always be the bearer of bad news. Don't share classified information with people outside of our immediate circle. 

4) Communicate honestly. Regardless of what happens or what goes wrong, look me in my eye, address what's going on, apologize if you were wrong, tell me if and why you think I'm wrong. Let's agree or agree to disagree, remember that we love each other, and then move on. Don't stop talking to me for no reason after years of "friendship" with no explanation.

Communicating openly and honestly at all times is actually a fairly new thing for me. I used to hold things in, let anger build up, and perpetuate the miscommunication. Trust me, life is much easier and less stressful with proper communication. 

5) If my dad dies, show up. Especially if you're in the same city. Regardless, visit, call, text, facetime. Get creative. Show that you care. If you don't know what to say, say that (see rule number 4). 

I'm not asking anyone to be perfect or to work too hard. All of the above should come naturally if you truly love someone, value your relationship with them, and care about their well-being. I've never been one to treat friends like they're expendable, but in order to increase my peace, I realize that I may have to distance myself from people who don't understand these rules.

With love,

Ness

No Connection

We can’t connect right now…  

Our vibrations are on totally different wavelengths and frequencies. There’s so much static interfering and I don’t know what to do. You’re living in black in white, while I’m oozing pink, purple, and blue.

We can’t connect right now…

Leave a message at the beep. While replaying this message, it sounds a lot like its stuck on repeat. You see, you’re full of excuses and why you can’t…while I’m full of anything is possible, because that’s all I’ve learned to chant.

We can’t connect right now…

And sometimes that’s just how it goes. Someone we once invested all of our time in, becomes someone we barely even know. Now this doesn't mean I love you any less, we just need to put this friendship on hold as of now. Let's give it time to rest. 

If I’m not feeling the vibe, how can I even attempt to keep organic energy alive? I’m not trying to force any type of relationship. I’m always going to be a “go with the flow” type of person, but when the flow begins to run dry, this once explosive relationship becomes vapid, and begins to die.

We can’t connect right now…

-L

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[Entry saved from 8.27.16 to post in honor of my dad's birthday.]

For the first time today, I had to admit to someone that my dad had passed away. I ran into someone I hadn't seen in years who had no reason to know what's going on in my life. Of course one of first questions they asked me was "How's your mom and dad?" 

My heart dropped.

My first instinct was to say "They're good" like I always would. And then it hit me. My dad is gone. 

My mind went blank. 

I was at a loss for words. An array of thoughts raced through my mind. Then they stopped and I thought...Wait, how is he doing? 

For so long now I've only thought about how we're doing dealing with the loss of my dad. I hadn't stopped to think about how he's doing. I hadn't stopped to thank God that he is no longer struggling with the trials that life brings. He's no longer trying to be strong for us. He's no longer  heartbroken at the loss of his mother. He doesn't have to feel what we feel. 

He's probably doing much better than all of us, resting in the presence of God. The last time I saw my dad, it was in church a couple of weeks before he passed. I had no idea at the time of course that it would be the last time I saw him. But I do remember watching him a little more closely than usual. I remember telling him he looked really nice. He was wearing red bow tie, navy blue suit I believe. He came just to see me dance to "Break Every Chain". He came in late, just when we were lining up in the back. After we danced, he told me that he had an extremely emotional experience at church that day. And now I know why. As they say in the song, the chains were broken. That day, I believe my Dad got a word from God. I believe that he knew, one way or another, that the chains were broken and he would no longer be bound by his troubles. 

So how's he doing, you ask? My dad is doing just fine. And according to what he told my granddad, he's only a step away. 

And just like that, I'm lost again. On a constant search to find myself just to lose myself. Just to realize I have no idea what I'm doing and what I want.

I looked myself in the mirror after months of keeping myself busy and realized...

I am not okay.

I've spent a lot of time keeping busy, staying productive, pouring myself into things. Pouring myself into people. Building, growing, loving, living. Undoubtedly all good things. Honestly, most of the time I don't even know that pain is building up inside of me. I don't even know that I'm constantly inching toward a breaking point. 

Thank God, I do feel better than I have felt. But I'm not necessarily okay. There was a time where people would ask me how I felt and I couldn't even say "good". People would say "How's it going?" and all I could say is "It's going". Now I can honestly say I'm good. I can acknowledge that things are going well. I can smile and laugh. I can enjoy myself. I can keep it together more than I used to.

But that doesn't change the fact that I spend most of my time convincing others (and myself) that I'm okay. And it's draining. I compare it to a comment I overheard years ago from a Mexican woman about speaking English all day with Spanish as her first language. It's unnatural, and while she's gotten good at it, she still ends her days feeling like her brain is so tired from constantly translating. I was so intrigued by her comment at the time, but I could only imagine how that felt.  Now I think I have an idea of what she meant. The life I'm living feels like a cover up, an imitation, a constant translation. 

But one thing I've realized throughout this experience is that I am not alone. I've connected with so many people who are hurting, grieving, or feeling lost for one reason or another. Now I can see the pain in people's eyes without even a word. They can see the hurt in mine. People share things with me they would've never shared and connect with me in a way they never had. I thank God for those inter-spiritual connections that remind me that we're all lost and there's no immediate need be found. 

-Ness

Sorry, hate is such a harsh word. Especially for someone who loves art. Loves going to art shows. Someone who went to art school. Someone who has surrounded myself with different types of artists. I love artists, or so I thought. 

I've been so severely disappointed by artists in my life. It took me a long time to understand my frustrations and my inner wars with art and artists. It took me just as long to understand my inner wars with myself. In the midst of my dissatisfaction, I even began to feel like I hated art itself. I blamed art for the actions of its creators. 

But finally, I realize the core of the issue. 

I love their passion, their drive. It's something I've always wanted for myself and something I'm finally starting to feel. But now that I feel it for myself, my infatuation with them is gone. My respect for their talent has remained, but now I see everything for what it is [see definition of an Outsider]. 

Since I've had this realization, I have been paying even closer attention. Infatuation turned to extreme curiosity. I've studied their moves, their conversations, their insecurities. I've watched them be so trapped in their own minds that they don't even realize what's going on outside of the world they've created for themselves. They're all a little different, and yet exactly the same. I guess they're the lucky ones, unbothered by the realities of the world. 

And I can't blame them. 

I now know that it was my own self-doubt that attracted me to them. It was my own unfulfilled aspirations and insecurities, no matter how subconscious, that have drawn me to people that execute the way I thought I never could. There was an unknown desire to connect with people that didn't have to search for a true passion, or push themselves to do what they love and learn everything there is to know about it. As I relearn myself and my passions, my appreciation for yours has become so much more genuine. 

So when I say I hate you, I mean I love you. All of you. You are me. I am you.

- Ness

Lonely Soul

The beauty of being human is that we long for love, acceptance, and the company from other human beings. A lot of what we do is driven by these factors. We are constantly influenced by the people around us. And sometimes, it's hard to stay true to originality or to our own thoughts and ideas because of our influences.  

So when I'm not busy constantly being distracted by the noise of the world, I like to go into my sacred place. This sacred place is where I am completely butt-mentally naked. I don't have to worry about the likes or dislikes of the world here. I don't have to impress anyone but me. I can be 100% me, and it's where I am at ease. This sacred place is called my solitude.

So many people are terrified of it. Some people run from it like how I ran from clowns at 5 years old. Me, I fully embrace it. I embrace it much differently than how I use to. It can be such a powerful place to be if one utilizes it properly. I see it as this rich, golden, and untouched place that no one can buy from me. I like to read, write, meditate, and cultivate here. It's where many of the most successful people first developed an idea that ended up being a huge hit went to first. It can also be a place of peace and reflection.

The world is already busy enough trying to distract people from what's real to them. We get pushed into worrying about things like paying bills, dealing with the stress at our jobs, buying a new iPhone, and my absolute (least) favorite, what the Kardashians are doing! There's a price on pretty much everything in this so called life we live, but my solitude is the one place someone else can't make money off of or take away if I don't have the funds to pay for it. It is where my hidden treasures are kept and I have no intentions of letting anyone rob me of that or infiltrate what keeps me whole.

I say all of this as a reminder to myself that there is beauty in being alone. There is value in being alone. There is nothing wrong with recharging from time to time and regaining my sense of who Lauren really is. I just have to remember to protect my peace as well as my sacred space. I love interacting with those around me, but I also have to pick and choose staying true to my thoughts and values verses blindly living for the thoughts and values of other people. And I'm ok with that.

-L