Hard times. They come and go. And I suppose that will always be the case. There’s no such thing as reaching perfection and never looking back.
I like to run away from hard times and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. “Be strong” means act like nothings wrong. At least that’s what I tell myself.
The more I run, the closer it gets. This “stuff” I have to deal with.
In the midst of learning to live with life as a single mom, the smallest daily activities have brought about questions like...
“Why do I have to carry this heavy car seat by myself?” (The way I walk isn't really stroller friendly.)
I asked this questions to myself every morning for weeks as I walked a block to Austin's daycare from my car. I would use that as a reason to start off each day with a little bit of sadness. And then it dawned on me...
It'll never kill me to carry a heavy carseat. I just get stronger EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Now it doesn't even phase me.
It's funny, we go to the gym to work out for an hour trying to get stronger or build endurance but that's the only hour of the day we want to work on it. Outside of that we don't even take the stairs.
"Why do I have to give up MY baby for visits?” and “How did I end up at home ALONE?"
I remember the first day I was home alone. It was quiet. I didn’t have any plans, wasn’t sure what I wanted to watch, didn’t feel like talking on the phone. I wasn’t necessarily sad but I just didn’t know what to do with myself and I was wondering how I got here. And then I heard God's voice.
Vanessa, you are going to have to learn to BE ENOUGH without defining yourself by a connection to another person. Including your child.
Mind. Blown.
It was like one of those times you're talking to your best friend and they finally tell you something they've been noticing about you for a long time. And you can't even say anything because you know they're right.
Becoming a mom changes your life. You have a whole new responsibility and you fall in love with being needed. I had to check myself and realize that me not wanting to let Austin go was MY problem. He was going to be perfectly fine. I just needed him to need me and I realized it was an ego motivated thought.
I'm feeling LIBERATED and grateful for the strength that comes with every passing day.
xo,
Ness