Falling In Love With Me

Vanessa is a life-long friend of mine. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Her strength and courage to be vulnerable in her writing has encouraged me to do the same thing.

I remember that night in April 2017 like it was yesterday! I met up with my girls for a drink at this bar in South Loop. I sat next to Vanessa at the bar (strangely enough, she was just drinking water). She told me she had something super important to share, and I told her the same. Vanessa said, "I'm pregnant!" I was shocked, but I then shared, "I'm getting a divorce!" I can imagine she was just as shocked as I was. Many things crossed my mind at that time because my then husband and I were trying to start a family, but to no avail. Everyone else's life seemed to be prospering as mine was falling to pieces. 

In the months that followed, I ironically felt the same four emotions Vanessa mentioned: Fear, Isolation, Insecurity, and Exposure. 

FEAR

At the time, in my mind, I had failed! My marriage had failed, despite my best efforts to fix everything that was wrong. I was scared that I wasn't good enough. Fearful that all of the time and energy I put into this relationship was a waste. Scared of being ALONE and starting a new life without financial stability and what I had come to know as emotional security. I was afraid that I would never find happiness. But most of all, I was scared of discovering who I was without this man.

ISOLATION

NOBODY UNDERSTOOD! Yea, my sisters and friends have had bad break-ups, but not to this extent. Not many of my friends had built a life with a man like this. They hadn't bought a house and cars together, filed joint taxes, improved credit scores, secured employment, combined finances and families, or become emotionally dependent on another person like marriage forces you to do. No one understood the emotional toll of this kind of break-up. The constant mood swings, random crying spells, depressive episodes, anxiety, severe weight loss, and migraines. I have never felt this alone before.

INSECURITY

I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong! In some sick twisted way, I felt totally responsible for the demise of my marriage. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I was insecure about why God would put me through this kind of pain. What kind of person had I become who would allow this to happen? Was I weak for leaving or had I been weak for staying?

EXPOSURE

In more ways than one I felt humiliated! Some of the issues that I had been dealing with privately were no longer a secret. Everyone knew! I felt like everyone was judging me. I was embarrassed to go to places where I used to go. I was embarrassed to be in the presence of people I once felt so comfortable around.

The moral of this story is SHIT HAPPENS! You can plan out your whole life and God will laugh! I think I went wrong when I stopped consulting God and following the direction He had for my life. In this short time, I have learned so much about myself! I am figuring out what I will and will not tolerate in my personal life. I am making stupid mistakes, but I am also learning valuable life lessons. What's most important is that I am getting a second chance to FALL IN LOVE WITH ME! ❤️

-Kelly

Becoming My Best Self

The first time I really remember being concerned about my weight was in 2nd grade.  It was fitness week and while my classmates were excited to show off their athleticism and beat their last record, I was worried about getting weighed. Yes, I was a kid, but I wasn’t dumb. My teacher could see the stress on my face walking up to the scale. She didn’t have to make me feel better about my weight and make excuses for it, but she tried anyway. She told me muscle weighs more than fat and since I dance so much, that’s why I weigh more than everyone else…Ok.

I think I became conscious of my weight way too early, but our society shoves it in our face so much that you’d literally have to be living under a rock to not be affected in some way.  I never was a skinny kid, but when I started to notice how I was different I was consumed with wanting to be “normal” but not knowing how to change. So lets take a quick run through of some weight related events I remember from my childhood:

4th grade, I got my first boyfriend. Don’t judge me lol. We hugged, so of course that made it official. Our budding relationship lasted 1 day, at most.  As we sat next to each other in class I remember he leaned over and asked, “when are you gonna lose weight?” … That was the end of that.

6th grade, I got bullied for the first time. The girl kept picking on me, called me plenty of names, but of course the only words I really clung to were “fat ass”.  That was when I got into my first fight. My friends tried to make me feel better, but at the end of the day I agreed with the girl. I was fat.

8th grade, I started talking to a boy that lived nearby. He was older and went to a different school so I was excited. We stopped hanging out as much because he became interested in a different girl, and I immediately got “friend zoned” before there was even a term for it. The new girl he liked? None other than the skinny girl who bullied me in 6th grade for being fat. Perfect.

9th grade, I remember accidentally overhearing my friends talk about my size once. Other than that, I wasn’t really bullied and I’d started to create an identity for myself. I was the dancer. I was the freshman good enough to make the Varsity dance team, so I clung to that because my name was now affiliated with something positive.  I hung out with some of the “cool kids” and I’d started finding other groups of people to hang out with too.  I almost floated from one group of friends to another but I still had my core group and I was still the oddball, the shortest, the heaviest, the darkest, and in my eyes; the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). Side note: a movie was even created about us DUFFs lol. But back to the story, high school was high school. My friends began to date more. I didn’t. I felt like I would forever be just a friend. At a time when you start talking to boys more and you share just as many clothes as secrets with your friends, I felt like I had no boys and I couldn’t fit any of my friends clothes. Basically, in my 14year old mind, I was losing.

Things got better as I got older, probably because the older you get the less you’re really concerned with others, but for the most part I was pretty consistent and used to being the outsider, no pun intended, and by “outsider” I mean, “the friend of the cute girls.”

So what changed? At my heaviest, in my sophomore year of college I participated in a dance show where we had to audition for certain pieces.  This specific dance I was asked to be in had partner work. It was too hard for most of the boys to lift me so I ended up being taken out of that section.  My professor had to get performance evaluations from the choreographers and grade us accordingly, so she had the special task and responsibility of relaying mine. The choreographer told her I had a previous relationship with her when I used to tap as a kid but she had no idea that I did other styles too. She thought I was very talented, but I would never be successful dancing unless I lost the weight.

So it begins.

I felt embarrassed at first, but then I looked at it as a challenge. After all, there were very few things that I wanted and couldn’t get. With no real plan in mind, I started doing what I thought was right.

Step one: I stopped eating meat. I was kind of tired of it and I’d started seeing more information on the meat industry so I decided meat wasn’t that important to me.  My experiment started as a month trial and continued. It wasn’t that hard since I wasn’t a dedicated meat-eater in the first place, but with the only food options in Ada, OH being the buffet in the cafeteria, McDonalds, and Taco Bell, finding a variety of healthier food proved to be a task within itself. I mean who wants to eat salad every day? No thanks lol

Originally I’d stopped eating meat all together. Not vegan because I still ate animal bi-products, but nothing that could look back at me on the plate. When I went home for summer break I got yelled at by my mom lol. I never told her what I was trying to do.  She was not a supporter of being vegetarian, because she felt I needed protein and if you know my mom, you know she does not hold her tongue haha.  She would however feel better about not eating meat if I at least ate seafood, so that’s what I did. My dad made veggie/bean burgers and salmon for our 4th of July parties, my sister would make baked beans with no meat, and my mom would make things like greens with no meat just to support what I was trying to do. It was a team effort. I tried to start working out in addition to my dancing and realized very quickly that I love dancing but I hate working out! Needless to say the gym lasted for a good week and that was it, until the next time I got a motivational boost.  I actually started losing weight! I don’t weigh myself, so I can’t really give you exact numbers, but I can say my clothes began to fit differently and people weren’t treating me the same.  Since I was seeing some results, I wanted more and I decided to make more changes.

Step two: I stopped drinking pop and juice… for the most part. I mean what else was I supposed to mix with my vodka lmao. Now this was hard. Ginger Ale is my favorite. I even love the more unconventional pops like Root Beer and Dr. Pepper. If it was fizzy and sweet I’d drink it, but I heard they were bad for you so they had to go.

I continued with my no meat, no sugary drinks life and about a year a few months into it I got my first overt validation that I was doing something right. Celebrating a friends birthday at a club one night, a cute guy sitting at a booth tapped me and said, “hey tell your fat friend to stop bumping into me.” Asshole I know. The girl was in our group, but I didn’t really know her and clearly this guy was over her touching him so I had to figure out a way to move this girl away from him without hurting her feelings.  As I’m doing so I realized, I’m not “the fat friend”. Win.

My body slowly continued to change throughout senior year and into my first year out of college. I joined a dance team and it seemed like they were obsessed with weight. Their nicknames for people were “Phat ___” or “Big ___”, they talked about how wide members were (to their face), etc. One girl was vegan and really into clean eating, so I started to absent mindedly take tips from her. I began eating grapefruit, I started limiting my dairy intake (but I love cheese so cutting that out was dead lol), I started doing ab exercises while I wasn’t doing anything. I’d made progress with my weight, but all of a sudden, being around this team made me feel like I hadn’t accomplished anything and I was embarrassed about my weight all over again.

In 2013 I started dating this guy that I admittedly thought was way out of my league. I’d never felt anything like this before. He made me feel so comfortable with myself, with my body, with my way of life in general. I still had my doubts about my body in the back of my head but it was like he made those parts seem bearable. I wondered what it was that he could possibly like about my chubby insecure self but when I was with him my thighs were the last thing on my mind. He’d sparked a new confidence in myself which is bad to say that it took a man to do it, I get it, but he did so whatever. Soon after, I left to go to flight attendant training, he moved, I gained some weight, and our relationship crumbled. A few months later he told me he cheated on me. I began to wonder if some of my weight gain caused it, but no he was just insecure and weak. I was emotionally and physically at a low point so once again I was back to square one.  This time, I felt more alone than ever, I’d just moved to California, land of the avocado toast and cosmetic surgery, I didn’t really have any friends to hang out with, and I was trying to pursue a dancing career, so I became more obsessed with losing weight than ever before.   

I felt as though I wasn’t succeeding as quickly as I wanted to in the dance world and the main reason was my weight, because as the guest choreographer in college said, I will never succeed unless I lost the pounds. A few months later I decided to set a goal for myself. I wanted to see how much I could lose by the date of a specific audition and see if it changed anything.

Step Three: The day after Thanksgiving 2014 I decided to restrict my diet even more. Liquor: No, Sweets: No, Eating less than 3hrs before I go to sleep: Nope. I began reading the ingredients on almost everything. If I couldn’t pronounce what was on the box or if it had more than 5-10 ingredients it was out. I drank a lot of green tea, I drank my coffee black, I used coconut and almond milk, I limited bread and cheese in general, I ate a lot of soup, I ate a lot of oatmeal to satisfy any sweet cravings or if I was hungry but it was too late for me to eat, I added cinnamon or cayenne pepper to my meals and ate a slice of lemon after each meal because I felt like those things would help to speed up my metabolism.  I would go out to eat with my friends after the club (which I never drank in) and while they were eating burgers or pancakes (I love pancakes) I would look the lowest calorie thing I could find on the menu. Sliced tomatoes. That’s depressing lmao. I was on a mission and you couldn’t convince me to do otherwise.

Two months later came the audition. I made it further than ever before. Affirmation that I’m still doing the right thing. I’m not sure how much I lost since I don’t weigh myself, but looking back at pictures I can see the difference.  Parts of my personal challenge turned into habits, so even though the audition passed I still kept some of my dietary restrictions. I was happy. I still had parts of my body I wanted to change, but I’d made more progress than ever before and it distracted me from everything I was unhappy with in my life. I didn’t think anything about my weight loss being too much until family and friends started making passive aggressive comments.  At first I brushed it off thinking it’s just different for them to see me this way, but then it started to make me mad. I feel like its taboo when you’re fat and no one wants to say anything, but when you start to lose weight all of a sudden everyone has so many opinions.  Although I’d honestly thought about it (I don’t have the balls for it and I didn’t want to be that dramatic girl like in the movies lol), I wasn’t doing anything dangerous so I ignored all of their concerns. Now looking back at some pictures, I can kind of understand why they were concerned. KIND OF.

Fast forward to today, a few years later, I still catch myself reading the ingredients on labels by habit or going through time periods that being skinny is all I can think about. I’m a firm believer in the saying that weight loss is 80% what you eat, 20% exercise (I think those are the numbers). Through this whole process, I really only changed the food I was eating. I’ve always had some form of exercise, but clearly my food choices were too much trash for any physical activity to have an effect. I think I burned myself out. It’s exhausting being that restrictive, and I decided it’s not that serious. It’s still a giant kick to the stomach when a famous choreographer tells me, “you’re great, but If you want to work, you need to lose weight.”  Yes this just happened last month, and I almost fell back into ALL of my old habits because of her status and I know she just wants to help, but at this point I’m over it. If you like me, you’ll like me regardless of what my body looks like. All I can do is be the best me I can be. I needed to learn to be confident with what I have to offer and stop seeking satisfaction from others. I will always be a short curvy girl and that’s ok. I’ve gained enough weight back mostly to fill out my face, but I still freak out on my “chubby” days as any other person. It’s a process. Overall, I’m just taking life as it comes, living how I want, keeping the good, trashing the bad, and finding the joy in navigating my world being MY best, genuine, unapologetic self.

xo, 

Kaylah

I don’t trust “I Love You”

Like every black man in America there is a constant internal battle between protector and conqueror, nurturer and discipliner, revolt or submit. I would say I’m no different. People grow up with different experiences that shape how we think today and I have had no shortage of theories and proven values along my journey in life. 

I like to believe that because of the amount of positive relationships I have with women that I had become a source of insight for those who would seek out an unbiased male perspective. Over the past few months I’ve found myself trapped in continuous cycle of distrust, self proclaimed stupidity, and sometimes rage. 

“I love you”

Experiences throughout my life never allowed me to fully trusted these three words. I recently placed trust in these words as I found joy in a new job, adventure in moving to a new city, comfort in a new apartment, and love for woman who convinced me it was real and well-received. 

How do you trust when someone has used these words to twist and mangle the meaning to their own personal agenda? How do you trust when there is malice behind every “I miss you” so as to draw you further in before delivering a fatal blow to your beliefs? How can you trust a smile or a kiss that promotes an illusion of warm welcomes to cover ill intent? How do you trust the “babes” and “Baby” when the mask of nurturing was nothing but a ploy to lower your defenses? How can I trust the perceived “loyalty” only to find out that you were a placeholder of convenience? How do you trust when you have guarded your heart and sanity your entire life only to have that betrayed by the one person you knew would never mishandle the faith place within them? How do you trust when you have not only been ignored but cast aside with an ease so foreign to what you believed to be possible? How do you trust when every good memory you have was a component of your misery? 

I write this not as a declaration of war against love but a treaty for mutual understanding. I pose the question not to expose love faults but in hopes that me and love can find common ground again. I am not weak nor wounded, I am humbled in my search for an answer of reconciliation that may be found in another but more importantly there are signs of authenticity.

How can I trust “I Love You” ?

-Anonymous

We're so excited to welcome Marissa and Jasmine, co-founders of More Juice as guest writers! We discovered them on instagram and just so happened to have several mutual friends. The more we looked into their brand, it became very clear...they're Outsiders like us. Art, events, marketing, and content development is what they do. They are amazing free spirits with a vision and the work ethic to make it happen. They are the embodiment of black girl magic. They're our partners for our latest event, Outsiders Only x More Juice December 10th in LA. 

Check out a couple entries from their respective blogs below. THIS is what it's about. Empowerment, self-love, collaboration. 

Quit Doubting Yourself and Be More Confident - By Marissa - Co-founder, More Juice

Sometimes we get real comfortable hiding behind a wall that’s meant to shrink us. We get caught up in seasons of self-doubt and it just feels less risky to fade into the background. But when you have goals to meet and money to make at some point you have to find the strength to trust yourself.

Self-doubt always comes around when you’re planning to level up. But your confidence in this period will make or break you. Get in front of your emotions and only commit your energy to what will build you up, not tear you down.

During this process you’ll learn a lot about yourself and you’ll be more appreciative for the experiences that brought you through. Here are four ways to shift your mindset in seasons of self-doubt:

1. Show somebody else love

I can guarantee that there’s someone in your phone book going through the same mental battle you are. Reach out to your friends who you know truly have your back, even if they are disconnected to the things you do in your daily life. Ask how they are doing, give them praise for their accomplishments, throw a gratitude party for somebody else. They will thank you for the love and reciprocate it. You get to heal someone and catch your blessing at the same damn time.

2. Stunt on non-believers

When you’re working towards a major goal people think you’re crazy and it’s ok. Let their shade be your fuel not your kryptonite. We have to accept that there the will be critics but you get to draw the line between constructive feedback and outright dream killing. Allow yourself to be upset, take a deep breathe, then carry on. Don’t tear yourself apart over other people’s opinions. Just get better on your own terms.

3. Let that hurt go

Sometimes we put ourselves out there and the end results don’t turn in our favor. Every rejection, failure, and heartbreak plants this seed in our minds and our actions dictate whether it will bloom. Give yourself time to cry, get mad, be sad, but then get back in the game. Revisit the reasons you took the leap in the first place and congratulate yourself for taking action. Don’t let hurt feelings from the past accumulate in your future.

4. Do shit that scares you

Nothing makes you more confident than successfully conquering something you saw as an obstacle. Stop thinking about all the ways things could go wrong, and start working on making them go right. The more opportunities you give yourself to fuck up the more confident you’ll be. You know why? Because you will unexpectedly win and realize you deserve to give yourself ALL the credit.

Is confidence an uphill battle in your personal growth? Drop a comment and let me know how you get through it.

Peace + Love,

Rissa

Read more from Marissa here.

No Comparing - By Jasmine - Co-founder, More Juice

Comparison will steal your joy, every time.

Say it twice.

Stop comparing your shit. I mean that in the most obvious, subtle, yet loudest way I can say it. That's your good and your bad and your average. Because most likely you're comparing to someone else's highlight reel and you'll never know the ins and outs of somebody out here doing their thing.

Finding your best self has nothing to do with anyone but you. Reading books, absorbing the good energy and fading the bull -- try to do it all with blissful blinders on. 

I make lists that have to do with solely my ambitions, not some list on the internet of what you need to be doing in your twenties. (Although a lot of lists say we won't have it all figured out, I concur) 

Focus on you, study yourself, learn your energies and be gentle about it! The process is a gift. There is no way I'd be confident enough to talk to you guys and share this journey if I compared the whole damn thing -- so keep your eyes on the prize (mantra: I am the prize) It takes intention, so softly remind yourself everyday if you have to.

Jas

Read more from Jas here.

Adapting to Your Change

Meet Jordan Porter-Woodruff! She is a FT life and culture Assistant Editor for Cheatsheet.com. Jordan is a writer, entrepreneur, and innovator. She is the creator of a new up and coming app called GIFSTR which uses the combination of gifs with voice coverage. Read more about how she landed on the idea of GIFSTR and the important lessons she has learned during this process. Check it out! 

Follow the GIFSTR movement on IG at: gifts_llc

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For the most part I would say people know me as a journalist, editor or writer. Certainly-- I would claim that as true. I started my career at the Chicago Tribune as an Advertising Representative, and the goal was to get to the coveted 3rd floor of the Tribune Tower. That’s where all the editors were – it was the floor that had the shiny front table that said “Editorial Department.”  I loved being able to say I worked at the Chicago Tribune. To me, it sounded sexy. Everyone knows what the Tribune is – after all, it’s famous. To get to the 3rd floor would literally be beyond what I have ever imaged. I knew one day I would land a job on that floor. However, in the back of my mind, I knew I was kidding myself (more on that later).

A year into the Tribune and there I was, writing for the RedEye on a consistent basis AND doubling as their PT Copy-Editor – Jordan was on the 3rd floor and was on her way to being the next badass editor. At least a close version of my good friend, David Zivan, who is the Editor and Chief of Modern Luxury’s Chicago Social magazine. You see, here is the thing -- my family is in publishing. I had all of the mentors and accolades to become that badass editor, including writing for Chicago Social for every monthly issue.

Now we all know that working part time is all well and good, but what we really want is the title. I wanted to be the FT Copy-Editor at the RedEye or the Assistant Editor at Chicago Social. Not just someone who works for them on a consistent basis. But, that’s what I was doing. And if you know anyone in publishing they will tell you it is a hard business. Most people say “It’s not what you know, its who you know” in publishing, you have got to know both. And I did. The moment finally came where I had an interview to be the FT Copy Editor at the RedEye – I did my best (I knew these people), although I had a drink or two before I went in -- (which maybe I shouldn’t have, but we will never know now) I didn’t get the job. But that didn’t matter, because the very next week I was having an interview for the Assistant Editor position for Chicago Social. Although I didn’t have a drink before, I still didn’t get the job. And by this time I had been at the Tribune for 2 years and felt myself going nowhere fast.

I loathed my advertising job and nothing seemed to be working in my favor – so I quit. I had a side hustle at a website that paid the bills and I was set on finding what was next. And BOY did I have no idea what was coming.

Of course, right after I quit the Tribune the website went under (literally about 2 months later) and out of business. But what is even more incredible is the same day they let me go I accepted a job as an Administrative Assistant at Chicago Social Magazine. David knew I needed a job. Still writing for Chicago Social and now finally in their building, I figured it was only a matter of time, until it was my time. It was bad enough I felt like less than myself because I went from the 3rd floor of the Tribune Tower to filing invoices and expense reports. So I put my head down and did what I had to do. But shit! It is hard to do a job you know you are better than. As I sit here and type this, I am still at this job – but not for the same reasons, it’s not to become an editor. Every day that went by, that turned into weeks, and turned into months of feeling confused, anxious and desperate I was getting closer to my breakthrough. I found myself thinking, “I don’t like doing this.” And I don’t mean the administrative part -- I went in knowing that. I realized I had been lying to myself the entire time. I didn’t want to be an editor as bad as I thought – I think it was more about the glamour. I wanted to be an editor because everyone I knew, knew of me as one.

Then, it happened. I got bored enough to look up Evan Spiegel. Who is Evan Spiegel you ask? He is the guy who owns the app you are on all day – Snapchat, -- this guy is 26 years old and just proposed to a super model. Now if there is one thing I know about myself it’s that I do love to read. And Forbes can have some great articles. On that day I was looking at 30 under 30 and read about how Snapchat began. The whole time I am reading about this guy, I am thinking, “you have GOT to be kidding!” And I thought to myself, “I am severely unhappy and bored, what else can I do?” Reading about that guy made me realize that life is moving and I have got to move with it. I had finally got to the point where I was tired of waiting and not knowing what I was waiting for. So what happened? GIFSTR.

As I am reading about Evan Spiegel and how he basically revolutionized the video, in the same way Instagram revolutionized the photograph, I thought, “well the gif hasn’t been revolutionized, at least not yet.” But how does one do that? 

Immediately I knew I was on to something. I started looking up everything I could find on gifs. It wasn’t until I was on the bus headed home that I thought of voice. Put a voice and a gif together, and you are suddenly narrating over a gif. 

Now granted, I know absolutely NOTHING about technology. I know words.

But all of a sudden, with what seemed to be a grand idea, especially since there was no app offering it that I knew of – I had to figure out how to do it myself. And when I say that, I mean someone to do it for me. I told my mother about what I intended to do and how I had no idea how to go about it and she told me about 1871. Thank the heavens I am from and am living in Chicago! I find out 1871 basically gives entrepreneurs all of the resources they could ever need for their start-ups. Now of course, you have to be accepted and pay a monthly fee, which wasn’t ideal but I didn’t see another option. $150/month ain’t cheap on a $30k a year budget. Luckily for me, my special skill in editing and writing allows me to work from anywhere. And before I started working at Chicago Social I had been interviewing with another website, called The CheatSheet for a FT position as a remote Assistant Editor. Wouldn’t you know that as I decided to pursue GIFSTR I landed the FT job at the CheatSheet. I now was able to work two FT jobs, at the front desk of Chicago Social and double my income to pursue this new dream. 

Suddenly, I am on this journey to building an app. I was accepted into 1871 on February 29th and had my orientation on the March 7th. I met my app’s development company on March 11th and the rest is history. 

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Girls Night Out

Meet Candace Lites! Candace is a Communications Specialist of Store Operations at Abercrombie and Fitch. She is also one of our very close friends. Girls night out for us is never dull. Read what Candace has to say about a conversation that was held between us ladies one night in particular at dinner. A conversation of cattiness soon blossomed into a beautiful moment of clarity. Check it out!

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Girls’ night out for us girls is hardly ever as simple as that. Sure, there is food, wine, and plenty of laughter. We complement each other with genuine love and admiration. Our conversations are cherished and no doubt discussed for days after.

 Since high school, our group of four to five girls, has been a small revolving door depending on circumstance, being that we aren’t often in the same cities at the same time. But, for the past ten plus years, this reliable group of girls has sparred and loved all at once. I don’t think we go into any situation with each other expecting anything less.

 When I came into town most recently, one of the first things I wanted to do was schedule a dinner with my girlfriends to catch up and see what complexities the night was bound to bring us. This night did not disappoint. As our dinner wrapped and we found ourselves unprepared for the night to end, we paid the waitress and moved over to the bar. This is where I can say that our discussion really began. As we worked our way through L’s Instagram feed, we began picking one celebrity in particular, apart. The subject: her transformation and her ability to capitalize off of the ignorance and naiveté of young girls and men alike. We discussed how some men of many different colors lusted over this woman and for qualities that black women have naturally possessed forever.

Our debate fell somewhere around ‘whose fault is it? Theirs or ours? But, should it even be a question of whose fault it is? At a certain point during the discussion, there was a certain cheapness in talking so harshly about another woman. Why did it even bother us that some men liked this woman? Did it matter that for us, this one person was forcing an image that most black women have and always will possess? Yes, this was a fact that we agreed on, but we did not agree on the importance of this woman’s place in our society.

 For me, a normal, everyday woman, I know that the pressure on our shoulders to be perfect is certainly profound. The pressure to be beautiful, smart, sexy, and classy all at once, and then take all of those qualities and use them as tools to compete with one another. In terms of this celebrity basking in her 15+ minutes, does it really matter what she is wearing, who she dates or how she decides to do her hair that day? In the grand scheme of things, in my opinion, the answer is no.

 What proved to be of more importance was our view of women who choose to make different decisions than we have chosen for ourselves, and for those reasons, feeling justified in belittling them. I certainly have not been perfect in my dealings with other women. Have I been catty before? Yes. Have I ever been intimidated by another woman who is prettier, smarter or sexier than me? Yep. Thanks to common decency and the women and men that I have chosen to have in my life, my actions are usually brought to my attention, and it is my decision on how I go forward after my actions.

 I love my friendships that I have with women. A self-proclaimed girls’ girl, most of my closest relationships are with women. Especially, women who value their female relationships just as much. I cannot rightfully appreciate all of the women God has put into my life and tear down a stranger that happens to be a woman, for possessing qualities or garnering attention that a lot of women wish to possess themselves. 

 One of the reasons I value the relationships that I have with each individual girlfriend of mine, is we constantly are challenging each other, but more importantly, we are uplifting one another. I don’t know that it would truly be defined as love if it were any other way.

 By the end of our conversation, I did not walk away with some grand epiphany or realization about feminism or female empowerment. I did, however, walk away with just the tiniest bit of growth. I walked away with a need to dig further and continue to challenge and debate with my friends about subjects that are important to us and that are meaningful. I walked away having found even greater value in my female relationships. For that I am grateful.

-Candace L.

The Hueman Experience by Vanessa Rivera

Meet Vanessa Rivera, Los Angeles based artist and fellow Outsider! I recently found her on Instagram through a mutual friend and fell in love with her work. But even beyond the work, I fell in love with her story and how her experience has influenced her latest collection - The Hueman Experience. 

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• The Hueman Experience •

As an artist, it’s always hard to decide whether to give your audience a story, or allow them to create their own ideas about the work. What I’ve realized is that what attracts me to an art piece, or artist, is their journey, the process that brought them to the final product. As huemans, it is difficult for us to be vulnerable.

“I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.”

So I question, how vulnerable am I willing to be for my art?

At the opening reception of my solo show, a lot of people asked where the inspiration for The Hueman Experience came from. I gave vague answers for the sake of time and as a defense mechanism, but today I am giving you the real story.

It started last year after coming back from an amazing study abroad experience in Italy. I got back just in time for my college graduation. As most college grads, I was excited but also very scared. I didn't know what was next for my career, my love life, or finances. The thought of a 9-5 scared me. I gave up my apartment when I left for Italy. When I got back I stayed at a friends for a few weeks. Then, at my mom’s small apartment. We'd switch off sleeping on the floor. I was the most broken I had been in years. I was also heartbroken. Right before leaving for Italy I lost one of my best friends. The person I had been spending all my time with was no longer a part of my life. I came back to a whole new world. One that I was not excited about. 

My first goal was to give my mom her space back. I got a job as a graphic designer, got a second job, & started doing freelance design work. Within 2 months I was moving into my new apartment. I was making money but I was miserable! I hated my 9-5 so much. All I wanted to do was sit in my studio and paint!!! I missed art. Those moments showed me that I could never live without it. I set a goal to save every penny I made until October, and then I'd quit. So I did. In mid-November, I started creating the Hueman Collection. Not realizing that what I was creating was what I was going through. 

The Transformation was the first piece. It came to me in a meditation right after I quit my job. I felt like I had just broken out of my cocoon and it was time for me to learn to be free in every aspect of life. I made a commitment to shed everything that no longer served me. That included ideologies, people, jobs, etc. 

Wholeness was next. I was now learning to deal with the heartbreak. To no longer suppress it. I was forced to look inside of myself and figure out why I didn't feel whole, why I didn't feel worthy, why I felt like I needed someone else. I forced myself to finally cry about it. I found out that the whole time I was reaching for God. Forced to deal with my demons...My experiences...To be alone...I learned to love myself. 

Then came Evolution. It's a daily intention. Once you learn to harness self-love you can love everything around you. Every day is not perfect and some days I may feel a little down because maybe I lack a little bit of sleep, but every day I love. I feel peace in the chaos. I feel love everywhere. Every person, every tree, every flower. I feel it!! 

Well, it's been 10 months since I quit my job. I promised myself I would never do anything that doesn't serve my purpose in some way. And I don't. I thank God for the freedom I live in every single day. Next month I’ll be taking my mom to Costa Rica for her birthday. Something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. Isn’t it interesting how the dark moments are where we find our light?

Art gave me courage, purpose, freedom.

-Vanessa Rivera 

To learn more about The Hueman Experience and stay updated on Vanessa's work, visit vjrivera.com

To My Brave Twenty-Somethings Dating

Dating in your twenties is very hard...dating in your late twenties is even harder...I'm not thirty, so I'm not even going to go there. But, by the time you turn twenty-five you feel like you've endured some heart breaks, dodged some bullets and learned some life altering lessons, right? 

Surprise! There is still more to come. 

Traditionally, this is the time you are thinking about what it's like to be married (if that's what you want). Your ovaries smile when you see a cute baby (if you like babies) and you envision a life with someone, but who? If you're in a relationship you may begin to see your life with that person. If you're not in a relationship, you date until someone comes along. Both situations are scary as hell, especially if you read the U.S statistical reports on the increasing average age of women getting married or having babies or doing neither. If you want those things, I do not suggest reading those articles (insert panic attack). 

To ease your mind,

My mother taught me that when you're dating look out for green, yellow and RED flags. (Green) you're good to go, (Yellow) we need to talk, (Red) run in the opposite direction...fast. Now that seems pretty easy. After all we ladies always watch what our partner DOES way better than listen to what they may SAY. 

Psych! It is really hard because you have to be honest with yourself and who wants to be honest with themselves? Honestly...I need to get back in the gym, honestly... I need to journal more, honestly... I had one martini too many, honestly...he/she may not be for me right now. That's right, it takes guts and bravery to be honest.

Now, don't get down on yourself if you tell little white lies to make someone look better. That is a timeless act of you telling yourself what you want to hear. Most of all, that is you protecting your heart. Yet after a while you get tired of protecting your heart in a relationship, from the one who should have it on lock and key.

That's why it is brave to date! To put yourself out there, have great sex (if you have sex)  to be vulnerable, to trust someone with who you are, to fall in love, to get your heart broken and to do it all over again. At each point take the time to learn something new about yourself. What you like, dislike, what you need and what you desire are all important in a relationship.

But you have to be brave to figure that out, and even braver to apply what you know about yourself to your own life. That kind of bravery has no age limit and is not a statistical average. 

So be brave in the dating world. Yes, find someone but also find YOURSELF! 

This is dedicated to the twenty-somethings and my beautiful girlfriends who date and who are brave enough to look "outside" and beyond their anxieties about dating and relationships. Trust yourself and show yourself love and empathy. 

Love,

Heather Claire, MSMFT, PhD yr. 3

Book recommendations: 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon: Brave, Deep, and Intimate: 20 Lessons of Self Discovery to Help You Find and Keep the Love You Want.

Brenè Brown: Daring Greatly: How to Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.

Think like a Legend: Setting Yourself Apart from the Ordinary

Have you ever wondered what separates legends from ordinary people? Is it their talent, their work ethic, their background, or maybe is it their faith? I’ve asked myself this question multiple times simply because I want my impact on this earth to exceed my lifetime. I’ve learned that legends truly understand their life’s purpose and are intentional with how they go about pursuing it.

So how do you become a legend? How do you make sure that your legacy isn’t forgotten? First, let me take a few steps back and tell you a little bit about myself and what I do. Then, we’ll talk about how you can position yourself to become a legend.

Quick bio: I’m 25. From Chicago. I currently work as a digital Technology Consultant in Corporate America. I do this all while running a health & wellness business with It Works (www.CandyGirlFitness.com) and launching my most recent venture, www.EpicFabGirl.com. Epic Fab Girl is all about connecting and empowering dynamic women so that they can fulfill their life’s purpose. We are on the rise to shed light on stories of phenomenal women that are making lasting impacts in society, locally and globally. We also expose transparent journals of women to help other women identify and strategically pursue their purpose.

Over the years, I’ve learned to wear many hats, but the key to success for me has been making sure I’m productive and intentional with my time. There’s a big difference between productivity and busyness, and I believe mastering productivity in all areas of your life will help you to continuously grow and be on track for success.

Here are some tips that you can use to effectively position yourself to fulfill your life’s purpose and to one day become a legend. It all starts with you.

        1.     Learn to Stay Grounded – Your thought-life is extremely important when it comes to your success. You have to make sure that you don’t lose focus so that you can be effective in all you do. I am able to stay grounded by being steadfast in my faith in God, reading my Bible daily, and reading books that help me keep focus.

 Your life exemplifies your thoughts, and you have to control what you’re allowing into your thought-life because it will affect your lifestyle, whether positively or negatively. Keeping my relationship with Jesus Christ intact has helped me to stay focused, given me strength and helped me not lose sight of where I’m headed.

         2.     Write the Vision & Make it Plain – If you don’t know where you are headed, how will you end up where you need to be? This is why it’s imperative that you write down your vision for your life. You have to be extremely clear about what you want in your life. One of the things I do is create a vision board for each year and for the next five years. It makes my goals seem that much more attainable and serves as a reminder to keep grinding until I get to where I need to be.

         3.     Develop a Strong Personal Community – Every legend has a community of people that help position them to win. You have to understand that your life should be staffed with different people that have very specific purposes. Some friends are there to push and inspire you, while others are there simply to help you let your hair down and be you. Mentors are essential regardless of where you’re headed, and there are several other relationships that will keep you progressing in life. You have to know the role that each person plays in your life and be intentional about each relationship.

       4.     Say “No” to all the Right Things – Legends can’t do everything. You have to make sure that you say no things that don’t add value to your life. Not every opportunity you’re presented with is in alignment with your life’s purpose, so you have to act as such. Busy people are always doing things. Productive people are doing all the right things because they choose to say No to all the things that don’t fit into their life’s vision.

       5.     Don’t forget to take time for yourself.  – You have to take time for yourself. No matter how busy you get, you will always need to recharge. One way to do that is to take time daily, weekly, or even monthly for self-reflection. This could mean turning off your phone for the day, or disconnecting from the world for a few hours just to make sure you have time to reset. This is essential so that you don’t experience burnout. You can’t run a race you’re too tired to complete.

       6.     Stay Plugged into Things that Keep You Inspired – Every person has things they are passionate about, but sometimes life can become so overwhelming that you lose passion. One of the ways you can stay inspired is to make sure you’re plugged into things and people that inspire you. I personally have several networks of people via church, GroupMe, professional networks, and blogs that I follow that keep me inspired. These things keep you reminded about where you’re headed and help fuel you on your path to success.

Understand your purpose. Be intentional about pursuing it. Connect yourself with all the right people. Get outside your comfort zone. Never quit. To become a legend, you have to be strategic. Get your strategy together and make all the right moves. It’ll cost you sacrifice, and you may lose a few friends, but you won’t regret the fact that your name and your impact will never be forgotten. 

Young. Cute. And Vegan.

Meet Kizzy! I (Lauren) have known her since kindergarten. She has always been the vibrant, funny, and creative friend. She's also vegan. I've never met anyone as passionate about being vegan as I have knowing Kizzy. It's refreshing to see someone so young with so much passion about an issue regarding health. Infact, it's very rare. Read her story below to find out more about why she made the decision to switch her eating habits. 

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Everyone thinks we're crazy, until you become one of us.

I wasn't born this way. 

99.9% of us weren't. However we wish we were. We are the most misunderstood group of people on this planet. We are the most compassionate, the most kind, yet the most furious and outraged.

We are selfless.

Your mom matters as much as our moms. Your dad matters as much as our dads. Your children matter as much as our children. Brothers, sisters, cousins, friends.

We think about feelings, relationships. We just give a fuck. 

We are VEGAN.

I didn't start the post with that because most, if not all of you would've turned away. Most people, especially those who haven't known me before I became vegan, would have turned away. 

I did not fully understand why one of my first "in person" vegan friends (many of us stand alone aside from the Internet) never told people she was vegan upfront. I believe now that it's so powerful, it makes a statement. However, to most humans the statements we try to make are outrageous, idiotic and obnoxious.

Even writing this, I struggle with the direction I'd like to take it. Know this: every vegan is an angry vegan. That's just how it is.

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I was sick.

I've always thought of myself as a healthy person. I could say I was one of the most health conscious out of any of the circles I ran in and no one would fight me on that. I never refused vegetables as a kid, except brussel sprouts. I'm glad people finally started seasoning those things correctly after 20 years of bland hell. 

Anyway veggies were always my thing, but so were animal products. I'd chug milk like no other. I mean hey, it was "good for my bones" and it tastes great! Don't get me started on cheese! Everyone knows I was a serious cheese head, and when I got older Munster was life. It made me feel fancy too. 

I could out eat ANYONE when it came to turkey hot dogs. I never wanted a bun, straight up was my thing. 

Cheese. Milk. Turkeys.

It's good for my bones. Not to mention the protein. 

By the age of 12, I started feeling weird. Growing pains they said. It'll pass they said. Drink milk for your bones they said. Cool.

Fast forward to my college years age 17-21. I was now known for cheese, hot dogs, and hospital visits. It was never uncommon for me to wake up throwing up, be in pain, get myself together and head to class/work. That actually lasted until I was 24 on the brink of 25. 

"We are the only species that drinks other species milk" (2009)

Words I remember from a college friend, this stuck with me and the first thing to go was milk.

Since then I wanted to be as healthy as humanly possible. Started doing my research. This shit doesn't happen overnight. 

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2007 - diagnosed with acid reflux, GERD and all the other crazy stomach shit.

2008 - first upper endoscopy (look it up)

2009/2010/2011 - countless hospital visits and shit it's all a blur, made friends with cancer patients because at this point I was taking bags of iron and shit to make sure I didn't die.

2013/2014 - realizing milk does the complete opposite of what the industry tells you it does, I was diagnosed with the beginning stages of osteoarthritis (mind you was 24). Even though I stopped drinking baby calf food years before, this was still the outcome.

In the years 2014-2015 I basically argued with several doctors about how contradicting their advice was. I only had one doctor (a nutritionist) tell me to stop dairy. No doctor of mine has ever told me to go vegan. However, specifically related to stomach issues, I kept getting this sheet that listed food that could be fucking with me. MEAT WAS ON THE DAMN LIST. 

"Should I just stop eating meat?"

"No, you need protein"

"So I should just keep eating meat for the protein even though it's literally killing me, and I'll just pop all these pills for the rest of my life while getting tubes entered through my ass and throat yearly just to make sure shit isn't going too bad" 

I didn't say that last part but I damn sure wanted to. I was 24 on anywhere from 5-9 medications throughout my life. I was fucking done.

I started to feel better. Realizing the doctors we trust so much, aren't actually taught everything to help us or even themselves. Has a doctor ever told you that vegetables have way more nutrition than meat? Just think, it's pretty obvious considering that's what animals eat before they're murdered. Why aren't we eating from the source? That's like me eating my friends arm off because meat is a good protein source. Yeah...exactly.

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I could go on about this forever. Veganism is not some religion or crazy bullshit. It's compassionate, eye opening logic. There are countless benefits to veganism. However vegans don't want others to confuse it with the reasons. 

Reason: that baby chick did not deserve to be shredded whole an hour or less after birth because he was male and useless to the egg industry.

Benefit: I'm off all prescription medications, including my birth control which was used to help regulate my horrible, deadly periods. I also have no more horrible, deadly periods.

Alright, I'm on a rant I know. If you meet a vegan, prepare for us to not meet your myths or expectations. We are from all walks of life. We just give a fuck. If you ever cared for something or someone other than yourself, and felt it deep down in your soul, then you've felt what a vegan feels everyday.

 

Love, peace and coconut oil.

-KizzyAqueelah aka Kreativmind9

THE NEW NEW YORKER

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Meet Courtney. A 26 year old new, New Yorker! She actually happens to be one of our really good friends who decided that it was time to start living for herself. It was time to do what she had to do in order to get closer to her dreams. So one day, Courtney decided to pack up her stuff and head to NY in efforts to expand on her career. With no money, job, and little support, Courtney has learned the true definition of resiliency. We are such in awe of her courage. Meet this fellow outsider, and take a look at her journey thus far! 

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“New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of… There’s nothing you can’t do.

Now you’re in New York… These streets will make you feel brand new, bright lights will inspire you…”

Sounds really good right?

If you took the lyrics of Jay-Z feat Alicia Keys: Empire State of Mind as literal as I did… then you are wrong my friend. It is NOT as good as it sounds. I cursed Alicia when I moved to New York.

The song has an upbeat tempo and such an inspiring message that it makes you want to move to New York with the belief that you can do anything if you make it happen there. While the message is true, my fault was that I missed the big IF FACTOR. Jay even said it in the first few bars… “And SINCE I made it here, I can make it anywhere.” I felt like they tricked me, saying “Come on Court, look at all these lights. Look at all these successful people and companies based in the big city. You belong here!”

It was all pretty good at the start. My former employer was nothing but supportive of my decision to leave; my family was all for it (some were in question of my actual plan); my *friends* in NY were all “Yea girl come, this is gonna be awesome!”, “I know people… I have connections”, “I work for so and so, and I can do this and that, send me your resume!”; And On top of that, a family friends girlfriend (did you follow?), who lives in Brooklyn, offered to let me stay at her place and house-sit while she was traveling for a month.  SCORE!

So I packed up my apartment, packed three suitcases with my hopes and dreams and moved my happy tail to NY.

From the moment I landed… shit wasn’t as pretty as the picture that was painted. None of the contacts were ever available to meet me and eventually stopped replying. That was ok because I know everyone doesn’t want to be bothered. But my issue came into play with my friends. After applying for multiple positions at a company a close friend worked for, I was sure I would start working sooner than later. But all but the first couple of emails were ignored. And to make it worse I hardly saw any of the plenty of friends I thought I had here. One even said to me “That’s how it goes when you move”. It was a shock to me that no one tried to make time to just hang out, or help me feel comfortable, or introduce me to their friends, or invite me on the outings. Nope. That’s just how it goes Court. And don’t get me started on the transportation system! You think, oh it’ll be cool riding the subway and I don’t need a car this is going to be a breeze! WROOOONG! I think I got lost every day when I first got here. And during rush hour, if you ever believed in personal space… let that shit go because it does not exist! I damn near had a panic attack one day because it was so hot and this mans belly was basically grazing my eyebrow as I sat on a 40 minute ride home. (It takes me minimal 40 minutes to get everywhere.)

All of this started to get pretty difficult to deal with. I found myself feeling so discouraged, emotionally; mentally; and physically drained, depressed, and broke. I have never, not had a job. Like since I was 15. So to get here and have nothing and get ignored for every single, literally, every single job I applied to, made me feel like I was breaking and I was failing. The one job I did get, through my bf as a bartender, was really shitty pay and bad tips and no set hours. Needless to say, that didn’t work for me and I didn’t work for them (No seriously, they paid me a whopping $35 under the table, so there was no record of me ever being there) And then, the time came for me to move out of my hosts place, to where? I had no idea.

I was so ready to quit. To just say screw it and move home. My dog was there, my mom was there, and all of my ** friends were there. But when I went home for a couple of weeks, to work some hours at an old job, things weren’t the same. I realized nothing was left for me to do in Chicago. I was at a part-time gig that couldn’t really give me any hours, and I was staying in my parents place boo-hooing to my mom. I didn’t want that. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be ok with the decision I made.

During that time of grief and self inflicted misery, I slowly began to realize… Courtney, you did some big shit kid! I followed my heart and my dreams. It did not work out AT ALL how I planned or expected, but what ever does? Not having the people to take care of me and look out for me, made me do something really scary… I learned to look out for MYSELF! To take care of ME! To go explore on my own and be that hustler I have ALWAYS been. And most importantly I realized that I HAVE NOT, AND I WILL NOT FAIL!

The past three months of tears and hard experiences did NOT break me. By the grace of God and the strength He has given me, I kept on and will keep on going. Through my tears every time I got lost, I didn’t give up and get in a cab. I cried that shit out (in the middle of the street somewhere in Brooklyn), wiped my face, and found my way. I still get lost, but now I just laugh and walk for 30 minutes until I find a train and then ride that for an hour until I actually get on the right one, and then try it all over again the next day (Plus I’ve lost like 10 pounds from all the walking). Through every job I applied for, and got ignored, I just applied for another one. Through getting rejected from NYU, I said cool, I’ll just apply again. For every friend that didn’t understand why I was upset with them, I made new friends and hung out, and found cool bars, and just cool people to talk to… who by the way have referred me to some good opportunities and other cool people. And it has been great having P here who has been my biggest support system here and kept me from losing my shit and allowing me to move in with him.

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So back to the beginning… Jay-Z said “And SINCE I made it here, I can make it anywhere.”

The bright lights, big stars and constant movement in the city can be very appealing. But this shit takes hard work, tears, and guts baby. It is truly a struggle, but I have never worked harder in my life than I have here.  This city does not break you… it forces you to make yourself. This is no playground, it’s a concrete jungle and there is nothing that I can’t or that I won’t do. if you come here you have to be ready to grow the fuck up.

After these three (short but seemingly endless) months of being here, I feel like I CAN do anything and I WILL do what I have to, to keep going. If I need money, I’ll dog sit, work a weekend event, or even sell my precious purple guitar (*that one still hurts a little*) just to get by. Cassidy and Jay-Z said it best: “Ima Hustla… Ima Ima Hustla Shawty… Ask About Me!” My drive, enthusiasm, and spirit is the driving force towards my success here, and anywhere. I am a New Yorker.

(Oh and btw, I got a job! And two days after starting that job… I was presented with another job opportunity… and another one after that… :-)So I’d like to think that shit is working out just fine)

Signed,

The New, New Yorker

Courtney

IG: @glencocosundae Twitter: @theREELCourt

Follow for pictures and updates on this journey!

A Real Life Journey by Justin Myles

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I once had the opportunity to visit one of my friends who currently has been backpacking for a while now. I was able to experience some of his journey in Vietnam for a week. It was such an eye opening experience. I thought it would be interesting for him to share some of his journey. Check out what he has to say below!

-L

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I’ve been at this traveling thing for about 287 days now. In just over 9 months I have been to 2 continents for a total of 12 countries. I tried to no avail to write a single post that could capture a highlight reel-like summary of this journey, but after some reflection, I felt it best to tell you about a single experience that I think captures what this trip has been all about.

On July 10, 2015 I stumbled upon a video about a woman named Whang Od. She is the last tattoo artist that carries on the Kalinga style and tradition. For this feature, she was mentioned in National Geographic in 2008. At age 97, it is unclear how much longer both Whang OD and this tradition will exist. Coincidently (or as a matter of fate), I was traveling to the Philippines, where she lives, in just 5 days. After watching this video, I made last minute changes to my to trip to ensure I would see Whang Od. This is the story of one of the many times I felt the clear sense that I was walking the path meant for me.

Journeys in real life aren’t like in the movies. The long hard parts aren’t reduced to a few seconds of B-roll with an uplifting music playing in the background (because you’re probably saving your phone battery and can’t even play music). You can actually feel the discomfort and sometimes it lasts for a really long time. And most importantly, you don’t actually know that it’s all going to work out in the end.

I was in the midst of a 3-hour jeep ride, about 10 hours north of Manila, when I really started to feel all of these things. I was tried, cold, sore all over, and was growing more unsure by the minute about this “journey into the mountains” to meet the Last Kalinga. There I was in what can only be described as a bus and jeep hybrid used for public transportation in the Philippines. Surrounded by strangers that for the most part were rightfully curious about why I was traveling on a jeepney to one of the most remote parts of the Philippines, away from all the usual tourist attractions and English-speaking areas. My bag had become heavy in my arms from pulling it close between my legs to make space on the narrow floor for the feet of the people sitting across from me. Lacking enough space to move my own legs, they slowly became cramped with my feet tightly squeezed into a fixed position between huge bags of rice and my own bag.

The previous 27 hours had not been much better. I landed at 7am in Manila on the previous day. I had my airport routine down by now. Go through customs. Buy a local sim card. Look for a train if available. Usually settle for a cab. I knew the first bus north wouldn’t leave for 12 hours and I had little idea what do in Manila for that long while having to lug around my 30lb bag. After a quick call to the bus station, I was quickly in a cab to purchase 1 of only 4 remaining tickets. If someone tells you Manila’s traffic is bad – believe it! I fell sleep for an hour and checked my map to find out we had moved about 1 mile. 30 minutes after my second nap I have my ticket and no plan for the remaining 10 hours.

After 30 minutes of walking I find a mall, but it doesn’t open for 2 hours. My bag is getting heavy. It’s getting hotter by the minute, and I still have no plan.

Stranger- “Are you lost?”

Me- “No. Just… frustrated?”

Saved. In a twist of fate I met a young guy who was in the area for an interview. For the next 5 hours Adel sits in Starbucks with me and then takes me around the mall and helps translate for me while I buy a GoPro. I can’t emphasize enough how bad my day would have been if I didn’t meet Adel. 2 hours is a long time to sit in the heat without knowing an air-conditioned Starbucks is literally around the corner. 8 hours later I’m in the cab line watching minutes slip away as I quickly go from “I definitely have enough time to get to the bus station” to “I can’t believe I am going to miss this f-ing bus. The next bus isn’t until tomorrow evening”. It’s finally my turn to get a cab. As we crawl through traffic, I look up from my phone’s map and notice there is a street we can take that would get me close enough to the bus station that I could run. I plead with the driver to take this route but the cabdriver adamantly insists that we go another way. The way I’m asking “has too much traffic”. Well… he was wrong. As soon as he turns on the next street to take “his way” we immediately run into bumper-to-bumper traffic as far as I can see. Guess my mood. It’s all I can do to not throw the money in the drivers face as I take off running through cars to the bus station.

Still running, I manage to call the station as I dodge pedestrians and vehicles. “The bus to Tabuk has left already. It leaves right at 7pm”. Heart hits the floor. Anger rises. Phone almost thrown. Still running. I arrive at the bus station to discover why you always keep trying when hope seems lost- the bus had not left. It actually hadn’t even made it to the station yet.

Now on the bus explaining for the first of many times why I’m going to the most random, remote part of the Philippines, I’m literally freezing through my jacket for what would be a 10-hour ride.

“Why are you going to Tabuk?”

“To go to Tinglayan”

“(laughter)… and why are you going to Tinglayan?”

“To go to Buscalan… To get a Tattoo from Whang Od”

“… “

At 6am the following morning I make it to Tabuk. I had been so cold that my knees began to cramp. After waiting in the rain for an hour I caught the jeepney to Tinglayan where I sat cramped for 3 hours before arriving at the Sleeping Beauty Inn. I asked for the wifi information only to have the receptionist laugh at the thought that they would even have internet. Lucky I had a local sim card… Unluckily there was no service in that area of the mountains. (Chrissy Teigen struggle face… actually as you can imagine I had this face for basically the entirety of the last 27 hours). Due to the rain I had to wait until the next day to trek to Whang Od’s village. So… 21 hours and 1 power outage later, I was on my way. One more hour on a crowded jeepeny and 2 more hours of treacherous hiking. I don’t use the word treacherous lightly either. There were multiple points where if I slipped, my story would have earned its final period.

I can still remember walking into her house; the “Tattoo Artist Whang Od” sign posted near the door. When she saw me walk in, she chuckled a little bit in a way that some how reminded me of my grandma. They offered coffee. I never drink it but I accepted this time for obvious reasons. Then I looked through the book and in true Justin fashion had to pick 2 designs because I’m indecisive. Thirty minutes later, a lemon needle is repeatedly piercing into my forearm. Looking back, I know the process was painful, but honestly, I couldn’t really feel it most of the time. Sitting there, pride on 100, a familiar lyric crept into my head providing me with enough nostalgia and joy that the pain was welcomed as proof that it was all real.

“I fantasized about this back in Chicago”- Kanye West