My Truth

There are infinite ways to spend my time in this life. I refuse to spend it miserable.

One of the biggest realizations that I’ve had lately is simple: I have choices.

It’s so easy to start going down one path and feel like this is now the way I have to go. I have to pursue this path at all costs.

But for me, these days, I will abort mission and move in a new direction.

I refuse to spend my time being miserable. Stressed and anxious. Chakras blocked. Physically ill.

I’m not stuck.

I can now more easily distinguish between discomfort that’s an investment in my growth and agony that’s to my detriment.

At the beginning of the year, I felt like I was on top of the world. So many amazing things were happening and it felt like I was ascending to new levels, finally. Emotionally, spiritually, professionally, and financially.

One thing I’ve learned since then is that big, new opportunities only provide you access to climb to the next level.

I’ll say that again. Big, new opportunities PROVIDE YOU ACCESS TO CLIMB. It’s not a quick flight to the top.

Once you start exploring new territory and higher altitudes, you never know what you’re going to find.

In the challenges that I’ve experienced since then, I’ve had to prove to myself once again that I can be honest with myself about how I feel and ACT ACCORDINGLY. I will advocate for myself no matter what. I care more about my inner knowing than what anyone else thinks of me. I can more easily and confidently remove myself from situations that continue to cause me pain.

I will step in and save myself, instead of waiting to be saved.

I’ve done it before, but it usually takes me a long time and a lot of convincing. This is the first time I’ve seen myself feel the misery of misalignment and immediately decide to shift course.

I’ll admit, it takes courage. But for me, courage comes easily when I’m serious about ME. When I love myself actively. In ways that make it clear that I can depend on myself.

I remember so many times that I wanted to protect myself but wasn’t confident enough to do so. I needed validation and reassurance. I needed to convince myself over and over again. I was vulnerable to manipulation.

I know that I have struggled with indecisiveness for a long time. I would always be fighting a battle in my mind. From the smallest thing to big life decisions. I spent almost all of my time with a little back and forth happening in my head. Should I do this or should I do that? This is how I feel, but maybe I’m trippin?

Once I put work into quieting my mind, I can see that the clarity has always been there. I always know, I just have to trust that as my truth.

I believe that life is to be enjoyed. And I can finally see that it starts with honoring my truth.

xo,

Ness

Moment of Clarity

I wish I could transcribe thoughts from my brain onto a page. I haven’t been feeling like writing at all, but I know I have a lot to release. And writing has always been my way. I’ve noticed that whenever I stray from writing, I stray from myself. I start to feel lost. And I don’t realize it until I’m so far gone.

Lately I’ve been feeling myself change. For the better. But it hurts. To change my perspective on many things that were my core beliefs. To walk away from several people that were my core people.

But I don’t want to resist it. I’m learning the importance of obedience to my truest self. I’m learning to observe with clarity. I’m learning to go where the energy flows. I’m learning to respect my inner knowing. And seeing the consequences of trying to quiet her voice. I’m learning to use my empathy as my resource. To know the vibes and act accordingly.

I’m doing my part. But I’m also being guided and I can feel it. I’m birthing ideas that don’t feel like my own. I’m witnessing the universe bring people into my life to grab my hand and help guide me along the journey.

I don’t want to resist.

Because the clarity I feel now won’t let me turn back.

I can feel myself growing and becoming a new me.

While the remnants of who I thought I was slowly slip away.

I don’t want to resist.

I won’t.

I am willing to change for me.

No questions asked.

xo,

Ness

Keep Going

One step forward, two steps back.

Three steps forward, one step back.

As frustrating as it can be, I’m starting to realize that if you keep going, eventually you’ll start to get somewhere.

And now I can see where I’ve been headed all along.

One thing builds on another. That thing leads to the next.

Somehow it all leads you back to yourself.

It all shows you who you are.

That’s one of the things that comforts me the most.

I never stay lost for long.

I always make it back.

When I read journal entries and blog posts from years ago, I’m teaching myself the same lessons that I’m learning now.

This has always been me.

I’m finally starting to honor myself for who I am.

A visionary. Constantly fueled by bringing my ideas to life.

I put my heart into everything I do.

I’m building a brand that’s about the lessons I’ve learned. The way I want to live my life.

About maintaining a mindset of living in my power.

Reminders, affirmations, vibe setting, writing. Self care. Natural beauty.

I love how it’s all coming together.

It feels right.

I’m starting to see the benefit of true alignment. The combination of hustle and flow.

I have a sense of clarity that I haven’t felt in a while.

All I can hear is the voice in my head telling me KEEP GOING.

And stay true to YOU.

Everywhere I turn, there’s a reminder.

Keep going.

The odds are in your favor.

I receive that.

---

It’s funny because I started writing this post in my notes a few days ago while I couldn’t sleep. The title was always “Keep Going”. Then I woke up this morning and saw a post from Complex on instagram with the caption “Keep going!” and it was like an omen. Another signal of alignment.

I plan to keep going. I hope you will too.

xo,

Ness

Breakthrough

The other day, I experienced God physically speaking through me for the first time in my life. I had sensed it before in my writing, but never this way.

I was walking down the street in Miami and I caught eyes with a man that I immediately knew required my attention. It was a spiritual connection. I was guided to sit down next to him so I did. I took a deep breath and grabbed both of his hands. We immediately started to cry. I told him that I had experienced the worst anxiety attack of my life that morning and I was feeling stronger now, but I could sense it in him. His hands started to shake and sweat. I told him it was time for him to release his anxiety. I held his hands tighter and told him that it was okay to release the energy to me and that I felt strong enough to absorb and discard it. He followed my lead and the transfer happened within minutes. We both cried so hard and then I saw the look in his eyes change. I could tell that he had hope for the first time in a very long time.

Next I felt compelled to remind him that he is not required to feel this way. He could live a peaceful life no matter what has happened. When I looked in his eyes, I could see that he has experienced several significant losses and the pain of that was the source of his unhappiness. I paused for a minute and then I asked him, “The people you have lost, what would they say if they came and sat here with us at this table. What is the life they would want for you?” and He answered. In that moment his eyes lit up a little more as he realized that he deserves to live a good life. We agreed that he would honor them so much more by living a peaceful life. He told me that this moment changed his life forever.

As I walked away from that conversation, I felt energy swirling around me and it was forcing me to release a hold that had been on my spirit for most of my life. It was such strong feeling that I had to scream to let it out. I wasn’t even crying anymore, but I screamed and I screamed and I screamed. I let it all out. God started showing me examples from my past about how I have sacrificed myself for other people and I could not believe it. I knew at that moment, I was done with it because I would never see things the same way.

I have lived with a mindset that everyone else’s needs are my responsibility. I’ve lived with the feeling that I should try to change because my presence alone makes some people uncomfortable. I have taken on too much. I have expected too much of myself. And in doing that, I created an an expectation from others that perpetuated the issue. My toxic trait is going too far to accommodate others and calling that love. And I mean accommodating people both physically and emotionally. I am a highly sensitive and empathetic person and I just realized that I’ve lived a lot of my life being overstimulated. That is the source of my anxiety. It’s the answer I’ve been looking for.

Showing love is a natural part of me and I don’t want that to change. But now I am choosing to accommodate myself more by realizing the simple fact that you can love people deeply without thinking you are responsible for their struggles or their happiness. I am also realizing that no matter how outgoing and social I am, I need quiet time too.

The most mind blowing part about this was seeing how God used me to help someone else and then he helped me in the same way immediately after.

I’ve always known that God was around me, but now I know that God is in me. And that gives me a type of peace that I have never felt.

P.S. - When I got home, I learned that we were heading toward a powerful and cleansing Lunar Eclipse that helps to explain this phenomenon. Everything is SO connected.

Click the image to read the full article.

xo,

Ness

Aggression often starts as a coping mechanism.

A way to defend yourself.

A reaction to fear.

And then it becomes a habit.

We become wired to protect ourselves, even when there's no fear or danger.

Eventually it feels like there's no other way to be.

But there must be.

There must be a way to be soft and still strong.

Like velvet.

A way to really feel it all and still have peace.

To let loose and really relax.

To un-clench your jaw.

A way to reprogram your mind.

There has to be a way.

To unlearn.

To re-teach.

To start fresh.

To give up your ghosts.

To feel warm.

To radiate love.

There must be a way.

xo,

Ness

Nesting

I guess…

All we can do is

Nest

Cozy on up

With ourselves, family, and friends that matter

As we wait for all of this to be over…..

I guess…

This is the perfect time to nest

Build

Build a better foundation

lay eggs

The pandemic has exposed so much

The pandemic put one big mirror in front of all of our faces and said boldly,

“Take a look at yourself”

“What is really important to you?”

“What do you truly stand for?”

“Have you found out who your real friends are?”

“Do you really want to depend on just that job for income??”

What is authentic in your life? What is REALLY important to you?

2020 was the year of the pandemic

The pandemic was the year of exposure.

In more than one way. But we all know that.

It was time for us all to wake up

So nest. Get cozy. Lay some valuable eggs. Figure out what type of environment you truly want to be surrounded by. Build a solid foundation and remember to take a look in the mirror that the pandemic provided you with.

Note to self

-L

I’ve been having vivid dreams

I think it means 

I’m in over my head 

I think it means 

if I don’t leave

I’ll never get ahead 

It’s time for me 

to really see 

how my soul can be fed

These crazy dreams

They’re stressing me 

Am I even asleep? 

It’s every night 

This can’t be right

Is this the life He chose?

Or was it me just trying to be 

what you wanted to see

Well now its time

I’ve crossed the line

I’m done trying to be fine

There’s something new 

Maybe a few

things that I’m meant to do 

I can’t ignore it

Must explore it 

I’m ready to be free

xo,

Ness

9:22

Is it just me...or does everyone have certain times that you ALWAYS catch on the clock? 

I had one, but for the past few months, a new time stamp has been added. 

9:22

It’s my dad’s birthday. At first I would only see it here and there, but now I see it almost everyday either in the morning or at night. 

In past years, seeing my dads birthday on the clock would’ve been a sad reminder of his absence. 

But for some reason, now seeing it makes me smile. I feel his presence around me now more than ever. It’s just like a quick “Hey Ness, hows it going?” 

Around the house, my dad was usually a man of few words. And his little check-ins were his way of saying “I care.”

One thing he told me before he died is “My problems are not your problems. I will be fine one way or another.” When he said that, I knew exactly what he meant and it pierced me. It felt harsh and abrasive and I didn’t understand the concept of separating his troubles from my own, but now I get it. My dad wanted me to have peace even in the midst of everything we were going through. When I feel his presence now, I feel the peace that he was talking about and I’m so grateful.

I never try to intentionally check the clock at the time. It’s like I just happen to look up and there it is. 

On the days I miss it, I never get upset. It’s like how I talk to my mom almost everyday, but if we miss a day, it’s no big deal. 

I miss my dad Every. Single. Day. But I’m so grateful that I’m getting past the dark feelings of sadness and realizing that still to this day, he is here for me in the ways he can be. And I’ll accept that. 

Thanks, Dad. I love you. 

xo,

Ness

Trust

Whenever the subject of trust comes up, we always think of it in a sense of whether we can trust another person. 

Lately, I’ve started to wonder if I can trust myself. 

I’ve spent a lot of time working on Me, getting to know Me, learning what it really means to love Me. 

I’ve gotten really familiar with the voice in my head. And just like me, she thinks she’s the realest, most honest person on the planet. 

But sometimes she switches up on me. 

Yesterday I leaned so strongly in one direction and now today, it’s another. 

The voice inside my head thinks she knows what she wants one day. And the next day questions it. 

She’s gotten so good at convincing me that THIS IS IT. She’s got the plan all figured out. 

Even when it changes, she’s still like no for real this time...THIS IS IT.

How can I be sure? 

One thing I will say is that her overall vision has never changed. It’s the ways to get there that keep changing. And change is hard for me. But I’m realizing that her plan just keeps getting better with every shift. 

She is me. And I am her. 

I guess for me, self-trust is knowing that even when I stray, I’ll always find my way back. And realizing that sometimes the things you find while you’re lost are actually the things that help you get back home. 

xo,

Ness

Beware of the corners of your mind. Your heart. Your soul.

Those spaces where you can’t quite see what’s under the dust.

Those boxes that need to be unpacked.

Have you ever been sitting around, thinking you’re completely at peace and something randomly triggers you?

Triggers are signs.

I’ll say that again…

TRIGGERS ARE SIGNS.

Signs of what’s really going on in your mind. Reminders of things you’ve been avoiding.

For me it’s a reminder that even when you think everything’s fine and you feel good, you’re not done working on yourself.

Have you ever seen the ugly parts of your personality come out of nowhere and take control?

It’s growth when you can acknowledge that it’s happening, but even better if you can figure out why.

It’s time for spring cleaning. Let’s find out what’s in those corners.

xo,

Ness

How’s your heart?

Not in a great place

Not as loving as I want it to be

Not as forgiving as it once was

Not as selfless as it should be

How’s your heart?

Tired of healing

Tired of wearing armor

Tired of racing

Tired of bleeding red

How’s your heart?

Still beating

Still keeping me alive

Still willing to love

Still thankful…

…..how’s your heart?

-L

Growth.

Growth.

It’s a constant thing.

You finish growing through one experience and immediately recognize another area for growth. A new level to reach.

But for me, it’s less about the outside circumstances now and more about me.

How do I navigate? How do I respond? How do I contribute? How do I create?

How do I design my life? How do I hold myself accountable?

Asking myself the right questions and always answering honestly.

That’s growth.

xo,

Ness

One day I was in the car with my nephews listening to the Ari Lennox Pandora station (as usual). The first song that played was "Normal Girl" from Sza's Ctrl album. Two and a half years later and I still love that album.  

The point is, I was listening and driving with my nephews and the 11 year old, P3, blurted out "Why would anyone want to be normal when you can be so much more?".

Let that sink in.

An 11 year old who seems to have the world all figured out. He's definitely a special kid. 

My friends and I are have been trying to push ourselves out of "normal" lately. We realize it’s time to finally go beyond the status quo. But it made me wonder, why is it that we always try not to stand out "too much". We've all done well in our education and careers. We lead really good lives, but we know we’re not reaching our full potential. Why?

Well, we're a little lazy, we admit.

But something else that dawned on me is that we have always been accused of thinking we're better than other people. Maybe it’s because of the way we look, where we lived, who we hang with...who knows. I think it was just people projecting their own insecurities. But to combat that, we tried to downplay ourselves. We tried to make sure we come off as humble.

Fast forward to adulthood, we're all doing well but also fading into the background.

That. Stops. Now.

Even when Lauren and I wanted to start The Outsiders, we were nervous to put ourselves out there. We didn't want to be "those girls". WHY THE HELL NOT?

Those girls who care about being introspective and learning from our own and other people's experiences. Those girls who loooove to write and get ideas randomly while walking down the street. Those girls who care about healing ourselves from the inside out. That's us. Unapologetically..

From now on, we’re pushing each other to reach our fullest potential. To listen to what we’re most passionate about. To execute in a real way. And to create the lives that we want to live. 

Because who wants to be normal when you can be so much more? 

xo,

Ness 

So many good things are happening.

And some bad stuff too.

In reality, the good outweighs the bad.

But I can feel the bad more than the good.

The anxiety. The physical, tangible signs of stress.

My body is tense. My mind is racing.

I’m grateful, but I’m worried.

I’m trusting, but also trying to figure it all out.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Solved this, now fix that.

That’s life…I know.

But I need a break. A chance to breathe easy and relax.

I know it’s coming.

I can’t wait.

xo,

Ness

Let It Flow

I’m just going to write whatever comes to mind as the thoughts come…

cause I’m the      

       easy going

    keep it simple

go with the flow of life

type of chick

My words are free flowin

dripping into the unknown

cascading 

            down this

               paper 

But then it all comes to a sudden stop

Now I’m starting to wonder what does any of this even mean?

*Flood Warning ⚠️ *

This is how I always end up here. I let life flow. I let my thoughts flow. And then I get stuck. I regret the flow. But I respect the process of the flow. I respect its beauty. It always teaches me a valuable lesson. At some point, I can’t flow anymore. I guess I have to make real decisions. But letting it flow comes easy. Flowing eliminates the tough stuff. Flowing eliminates making things complicated. But flowing can also lead to avoidance. And avoidance can lead to frustration. So, what am I avoiding? Or am I really just going with it?

Shoot

I just wanted to write without too much thought. 

Now I’m overflowing 

.....overthinking 

....spilling

.....leaking 

And now I can’t make sense of where I’m going with this 

Welcome to how my brain operates 

Welcome to how chill and easy going I am

And let’s not forget,

I’m just “going with the flow”

*Panics*

-L

baring it all can be frightening 

but I think I feel safe here

I feel safe and free

so I stand here listening to the soul of my body

while still somewhat protecting its peace

I want to dance in every inch of who I am

and I’m slowly embracing this naked truth

It’s in my hips

It flows from my lips

It radiates from my perseverance....

even though you can’t always see it at first glance

I realized…. true power lies somewhere between self and perspective.  It’s up to me to look within and take control of what I thought they had stole from me

but It’s no longer about “they”, and IS about finding the strength in ME

-L

Unwritten

 Because of his hurt, pain, and disappointment from chapters 4, 5, and 6

he realizes that chapters 7, 8, and 9 may have been written with a glitch

Still walking with protective body armor from chapters one and two...

....when those chapters are long gone and not even thinking about you.

He met a stranger that made him open his eyes and see

that each chapter happened uncoincidentally 

Leave each withered character and failed fairy tale in the chapter it occurred

because letting it rob you of unwritten beauty is obscured 

And so he tries to prevent it from happening again

which leads him to writers block and not letting new love, light, or experience in

He thinks that he is only protecting himself

when in actuality he is only disconnecting with himself

                                ...

To feel love for what it is or was is a blessing. 

Experiencing pain teaches you how to deal with the pouring rain. 

And failure is nothing more than a muscle.....strengthening you and showing you alternative ways to hustle 

Life is and always will be unpredictable at some point 

But that doesn’t mean that what didn’t work out should hold you at gun point 

It’s only a chapter not the completion of your story

The rest is still unwritten, so keep striving to write and take back your true glory

-L

NAKED

I want to be bare with you

I want to get butt naked with you

And I want to be unapologetic about it

Because I’m constantly apologetic about it

Because I’m never comfortable with it

Because it scares me

Let every inch of me intertwine with every inch of you

A place where our wildest dreams and desires can roam free

A place where fear doesn’t have to exist

We are safe here

Let me caress your deepest and darkest fears

Hold on tight, I’m all ears.

-L

I ran into an acquaintance the other day while I was out. Someone I've seen a thousand times, but not quite a friend. Someone you small talk with but don't know that much about. So I started off with the typical "How's it goin?"

I was expecting something like "Everything's cool, business is good." Ya know, small talk.

Instead he told me he had almost died that week. He had some unexpected and very serious health concerns that almost ended his life. He told me he had made a decision to turn his life around, let go of bad habits and addictions.

We talked about that for a while and then he suddenly stopped himself and apologized for oversharing. My response:

I would prefer an honest answer over a surface level “I’m good”.

And that got me thinking...We live in a world where people only share the good things. All wins, no losses. We could sit next to someone everyday and have no idea that they’re hurting.

We're encouraged to "be responsible for the energy we bring into a room." And for many of us that means, don't ruin the moment by talking about something sad or negative.

I've noticed in my circle, that we are ALL going through a lot. But sometimes we are afraid to fully share, only telling the "acceptable" negative things and sparing everyone of the rest. Sometimes we avoid each other when something is wrong.

We're constantly focused on crafting the story that we think other people want to hear. That's what they call suffering in silence.

I want to break the habit. Let's start with the people close to us, the people we love who love us back. When someone asks you how you're doing, give them an honest answer. "I'm okay but have been dealing with a lot of anxiety and trying to work through it" IS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER. "I'm good, but have been having random waves of sadness." IS AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER. If you’re finally feeling some peace, say that. And don’t always wait for someone to ask. Reach out if you need someone.

Even when someone you're not close with asks how you're doing, regardless of what you say back to them, ask yourself honestly...How am I doing?

Let's break the cycle and stop trying to do life alone. Let's make it okay for others to do the same. We can’t help each other heal if we don’t know what’s going on. Are you with me?

xo

- Ness

Single Summer '18

Single Summer ‘18. It started as a joke among girlfriends and became a group chat. It was June and all of our relationships had abruptly ended in the months leading up to summer (surprise, surprise). 

At first, we were all just excited to enjoy our summer with our newfound freedom. No wait, at first we were all sad and confused let’s be honest. Then it switched to us trying to get comfortable with being alone vs. lonely (cue Jamila Woods "Holy"). Then we realized, if we can't be comfortable being alone just yet, let's be together. We decided that we would be each other's "person".

I'm not gonna lie, there were undertones of "Niggas aint shit" and "On to the next" in the beginning. There was a lot of supporting each other through sadness and helping each other get our minds right. There were also lots of random dates just for the sake of moving on. Ugh.

But eventually, the group chat evolved in a beautiful way. After a while, it wasn't so much about "them" and it became more about us. Just simply remembering our individuality and the fact that our lives aren't based on being connected to anyone else.

SS18 became a place for us learn how to be really honest about what we feel and what we need. Sometimes just admitting that to others is therapeutic enough. It was a place for us to challenge each other and admit when we disagree. We started to hold each other accountable for things in all areas of our lives. 

"Single Summer 18" became a place for us to motivate each other to work toward our goals. We've started working out and going to church more often. We have advised each other through career changes and salary negotiations. Three of us got new jobs. We celebrated a PhD. We've learned the value of therapy and several of us have started going consistently. There is even a new organization that was born out of the connection and support of SS18 - shout out Wine Down Glo Up (A movement for women to fuel their Glo Up through connections).

All in all, Single Summer 18 was a place of healing and emotional grounding. A reminder to embrace our own journeys and value the people who stick with us along the way. And it was just plain FUN!

This is not to say that we'll be single forever. We still talk about our dates and desires. In fact, some of us aren't quite as single anymore (cuffing season is a real thing). But the point is that our happiness is not dependent on that.

Now that SS18 is over and we have evolved beyond our original mindset, our group chat is called "Girlfriends’ Guide..."

Cheers to remembering that each of us is a whole person, and still admitting that we need each other. Cheers to an amazing summer and a lifetime of togetherness as girlfriends. 

xo, 

Ness 

*Disclaimer: Not everyone pictured is single (😂)