Like every black man in America there is a constant internal battle between protector and conqueror, nurturer and discipliner, revolt or submit. I would say I’m no different. People grow up with different experiences that shape how we think today and I have had no shortage of theories and proven values along my journey in life.
I like to believe that because of the amount of positive relationships I have with women that I had become a source of insight for those who would seek out an unbiased male perspective. Over the past few months I’ve found myself trapped in continuous cycle of distrust, self proclaimed stupidity, and sometimes rage.
“I love you”
Experiences throughout my life never allowed me to fully trusted these three words. I recently placed trust in these words as I found joy in a new job, adventure in moving to a new city, comfort in a new apartment, and love for woman who convinced me it was real and well-received.
How do you trust when someone has used these words to twist and mangle the meaning to their own personal agenda? How do you trust when there is malice behind every “I miss you” so as to draw you further in before delivering a fatal blow to your beliefs? How can you trust a smile or a kiss that promotes an illusion of warm welcomes to cover ill intent? How do you trust the “babes” and “Baby” when the mask of nurturing was nothing but a ploy to lower your defenses? How can I trust the perceived “loyalty” only to find out that you were a placeholder of convenience? How do you trust when you have guarded your heart and sanity your entire life only to have that betrayed by the one person you knew would never mishandle the faith place within them? How do you trust when you have not only been ignored but cast aside with an ease so foreign to what you believed to be possible? How do you trust when every good memory you have was a component of your misery?
I write this not as a declaration of war against love but a treaty for mutual understanding. I pose the question not to expose love faults but in hopes that me and love can find common ground again. I am not weak nor wounded, I am humbled in my search for an answer of reconciliation that may be found in another but more importantly there are signs of authenticity.
How can I trust “I Love You” ?
-Anonymous