Dating in your twenties is very hard...dating in your late twenties is even harder...I'm not thirty, so I'm not even going to go there. But, by the time you turn twenty-five you feel like you've endured some heart breaks, dodged some bullets and learned some life altering lessons, right?
Surprise! There is still more to come.
Traditionally, this is the time you are thinking about what it's like to be married (if that's what you want). Your ovaries smile when you see a cute baby (if you like babies) and you envision a life with someone, but who? If you're in a relationship you may begin to see your life with that person. If you're not in a relationship, you date until someone comes along. Both situations are scary as hell, especially if you read the U.S statistical reports on the increasing average age of women getting married or having babies or doing neither. If you want those things, I do not suggest reading those articles (insert panic attack).
To ease your mind,
My mother taught me that when you're dating look out for green, yellow and RED flags. (Green) you're good to go, (Yellow) we need to talk, (Red) run in the opposite direction...fast. Now that seems pretty easy. After all we ladies always watch what our partner DOES way better than listen to what they may SAY.
Psych! It is really hard because you have to be honest with yourself and who wants to be honest with themselves? Honestly...I need to get back in the gym, honestly... I need to journal more, honestly... I had one martini too many, honestly...he/she may not be for me right now. That's right, it takes guts and bravery to be honest.
Now, don't get down on yourself if you tell little white lies to make someone look better. That is a timeless act of you telling yourself what you want to hear. Most of all, that is you protecting your heart. Yet after a while you get tired of protecting your heart in a relationship, from the one who should have it on lock and key.
That's why it is brave to date! To put yourself out there, have great sex (if you have sex) to be vulnerable, to trust someone with who you are, to fall in love, to get your heart broken and to do it all over again. At each point take the time to learn something new about yourself. What you like, dislike, what you need and what you desire are all important in a relationship.
But you have to be brave to figure that out, and even braver to apply what you know about yourself to your own life. That kind of bravery has no age limit and is not a statistical average.
So be brave in the dating world. Yes, find someone but also find YOURSELF!
This is dedicated to the twenty-somethings and my beautiful girlfriends who date and who are brave enough to look "outside" and beyond their anxieties about dating and relationships. Trust yourself and show yourself love and empathy.
Love,
Heather Claire, MSMFT, PhD yr. 3
Book recommendations:
Dr. Alexandra Solomon: Brave, Deep, and Intimate: 20 Lessons of Self Discovery to Help You Find and Keep the Love You Want.
Brenè Brown: Daring Greatly: How to Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.