Meet Candace Lites! Candace is a Communications Specialist of Store Operations at Abercrombie and Fitch. She is also one of our very close friends. Girls night out for us is never dull. Read what Candace has to say about a conversation that was held between us ladies one night in particular at dinner. A conversation of cattiness soon blossomed into a beautiful moment of clarity. Check it out!
Girls’ night out for us girls is hardly ever as simple as that. Sure, there is food, wine, and plenty of laughter. We complement each other with genuine love and admiration. Our conversations are cherished and no doubt discussed for days after.
Since high school, our group of four to five girls, has been a small revolving door depending on circumstance, being that we aren’t often in the same cities at the same time. But, for the past ten plus years, this reliable group of girls has sparred and loved all at once. I don’t think we go into any situation with each other expecting anything less.
When I came into town most recently, one of the first things I wanted to do was schedule a dinner with my girlfriends to catch up and see what complexities the night was bound to bring us. This night did not disappoint. As our dinner wrapped and we found ourselves unprepared for the night to end, we paid the waitress and moved over to the bar. This is where I can say that our discussion really began. As we worked our way through L’s Instagram feed, we began picking one celebrity in particular, apart. The subject: her transformation and her ability to capitalize off of the ignorance and naiveté of young girls and men alike. We discussed how some men of many different colors lusted over this woman and for qualities that black women have naturally possessed forever.
Our debate fell somewhere around ‘whose fault is it? Theirs or ours? But, should it even be a question of whose fault it is? At a certain point during the discussion, there was a certain cheapness in talking so harshly about another woman. Why did it even bother us that some men liked this woman? Did it matter that for us, this one person was forcing an image that most black women have and always will possess? Yes, this was a fact that we agreed on, but we did not agree on the importance of this woman’s place in our society.
For me, a normal, everyday woman, I know that the pressure on our shoulders to be perfect is certainly profound. The pressure to be beautiful, smart, sexy, and classy all at once, and then take all of those qualities and use them as tools to compete with one another. In terms of this celebrity basking in her 15+ minutes, does it really matter what she is wearing, who she dates or how she decides to do her hair that day? In the grand scheme of things, in my opinion, the answer is no.
What proved to be of more importance was our view of women who choose to make different decisions than we have chosen for ourselves, and for those reasons, feeling justified in belittling them. I certainly have not been perfect in my dealings with other women. Have I been catty before? Yes. Have I ever been intimidated by another woman who is prettier, smarter or sexier than me? Yep. Thanks to common decency and the women and men that I have chosen to have in my life, my actions are usually brought to my attention, and it is my decision on how I go forward after my actions.
I love my friendships that I have with women. A self-proclaimed girls’ girl, most of my closest relationships are with women. Especially, women who value their female relationships just as much. I cannot rightfully appreciate all of the women God has put into my life and tear down a stranger that happens to be a woman, for possessing qualities or garnering attention that a lot of women wish to possess themselves.
One of the reasons I value the relationships that I have with each individual girlfriend of mine, is we constantly are challenging each other, but more importantly, we are uplifting one another. I don’t know that it would truly be defined as love if it were any other way.
By the end of our conversation, I did not walk away with some grand epiphany or realization about feminism or female empowerment. I did, however, walk away with just the tiniest bit of growth. I walked away with a need to dig further and continue to challenge and debate with my friends about subjects that are important to us and that are meaningful. I walked away having found even greater value in my female relationships. For that I am grateful.
-Candace L.
