I barely wrote anything in 2017. I let an entire year go by and avoided one of the things I love most. I didn’t know why, but I just couldn’t do it.
As most of you know, I was pregnant during most of the year. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I realize that I couldn't write because I was afraid to tap into any negative thoughts. I was reluctant to even admit some things to myself. I’m a strong believer that “whatever you feel, the baby feels”, so I had to choose my feelings wisely.
The only thing I allowed myself to experience was the peace and calm that I felt with Austin growing inside of me. I relied on those feelings to get me through.
Everything else had to wait.
Now that Austin is here and I’m beyond the initial excitement of his birth, I’m free to “feel” again. Im starting to recognize the FEAR that I felt. I can acknowledge the ISOLATION I experienced which was one of the most difficult parts. I can admit to the INSECURITY that consumed me because life wasn’t going the way I had planned. And I’m more aware of how EXPOSED and vulnerable I felt during that time.
FEAR
Change is always scary. I had already experienced a major life change the previous year with the loss of my dad and was just learning how to cope with the new normal. Now everything was changing again. I didn’t feel ready, emotionally or financially. I was nervous about pregnancy but downright afraid of what things would be like once the baby was here.
ISOLATION
I was the first person out of ALL of my friends, both married and single, to have a baby. Suddenly it seemed like I couldn’t relate to anyone the same way and like no one understood what I was dealing with. I couldn’t drink anymore and that changed my social life completely. I’d still try to go out with everyone and order club soda and lime and try to be a fun person while everyone else actually had fun. I felt out of place and after a while, i just stayed home most weekends.
Even though my friends, family and my boyfriend were all extremely supportive, I was the only person who was pregnant. Everyone else could still go back to their “normal” lives. That in itself was painfully lonely sometimes.
INSECURITY
When I was a little girl, I always thought I’d be married by 25 and start having kids around 28. Well, I’m 28. But I’m not married. I’ll admit, I was very hard on myself about that. I even got fixated on the potential judgements of others for the first time in a long time. I regret robbing myself of the joy I could've felt about the blessing that was headed our way.
EXPOSED
Pregnancy felt more private to me than I ever thought it would. When people are married and they announce a pregnancy, people act like the stork just dropped off a blessing. When you’re not, it seems like people automatically think about your sex life. People ask questions about birth control. They ask about how your relationship is actually going [insert negative connotation]. They ask if you’re moving in together. “Are you getting married?” People that didn’t know anything about my life suddenly felt comfortable asking alllllll the questions. Even complete strangers! I never felt more introverted and vulnerable than I did when I was pregnant.
It feels good to acknowledge and release everything that’s been built up. It feels good to move forward. Honestly, looking at Austin, anything I'm worried about just disappears. He has really put everything into perspective for me.
-Ness