I never hated myself, I just didn't love myself enough.

I don't share the same story of self-hatred or low self-esteem that I've heard from others. Sure I've admired things about other girls growing up, and women today. But generally speaking, I have always been okay with being Me.

Now I realize that just being okay with yourself isn't enough. Self-indifference can be just as bad, if not worse than self-hatred.

I know people who have stories of real, deeply rooted self-hatred that they've had to work through. Somehow, through the experience of overcoming the pain of their internal war, they found an undying and intentional love for self. There's something about the lows that always lead to highs.

But what happens to the people that have lived life in the middle. Even keel. You're not sinking so you never had to swim. Every now and then a wave comes and forces you to put In a little work. Then you're right back to floating.

I compare it to how people talk about relationships with their exes. If you still "hate" the person, there's probably still some extreme emotion there and potentially a chance of reconciliation. When you become indifferent about a person, that's when you know you're done.

With that being said, I can't say I have regrets about the self-indifference I've experienced over the years. Being okay with Me has allowed me to love other people. So many other people. I've been able to love honestly and wholeheartedly, without jealousy or comparison. I've been able to love willingly and endlessly.

But.
 
I know that I haven't taken the time and put in the effort to love myself. Not enough at least. Not the way I love other people. I haven't pushed myself to new limits. I haven't encouraged myself the way I encourage my friends. I haven't invested in myself the way I invest in others. It took me a long time to notice, but now there's nothing anybody can do to cloud my vision.

And so it begins. I feel it brewing inside of me. The butterflies of a brand new crush. The excitement of the future. The early stages of falling in love, where you continuously make an effort to be your best self. The phase where you don't mind staying up late to establish a deeper connection. These days, I'm writing letters to myself. These days, I'm so much more than okay being Me. 

xo,

-Ness

To be honest, lately I’ve been stuck at this period. Reluctantly searching to find what seems like an elusive semicolon. How do I keep writing my story? How do I free myself from the chains of comfort in daily routine? It’s so easy to steer away from keeping my motivation golden. I feel stuck with only a few puzzle pieces, failing to put the bigger picture together.

“Live in the moment!”, I constantly chant. But sometimes, it’s hard not to fall victim of becoming a slave to the clock.

Tick, tock…

A slave to the clock….

Work from 7am-7pm. Come home. Make sure I get at least four hours of sleep in before my next nightshift. Rush to work. Wait for work to be over the entire time I’m there. Repeat.

I can’t get frozen in time like this. It’s time to leave circumspection at the door. Nowhere in my life goals did I list “become as stagnant as possible”. I commend people who are all around 24/7 what many like to consider “On their grind”. 

Grind. On.

So I go back to what’s cathartic to me. I diligently attempt to re-write my story once more. Taking out what’s redundant and repetitive. Embracing what’s organically inspiring to me. The semicolon slowly becomes my friend. The plot twist is as exhilarating as I had hoped. Writers block no more. There’s a story to be told!

-L

I love Jhene Aiko's "Spotless Mind". I swear that album got me through a really tough time. Spotless Mind in particular was exactly what I needed to hear..."Change is inevitable. Why hold on to what you have to let go of?"

But that was then and this is now. In this phase of my life, I'm focused on the fact that change isn't always inevitable. Sometimes you have to create change. Sometimes you have to start a fire and keep adding wood to it. 

I've been having this feeling that my life is about to change in a wonderful way. It's an unexplainable feeling, but it's been constant for a while now. Everything inside of me believes that it's true. And somehow even the bad things are starting to feel like a vital part of that story. But I'm also uncertain about exactly what that means, so I'm feeling an odd combination of nervousness and excitement. 

I have felt this feeling before. But the difference this time is that I feel ready for it. Last time I wasn't ready and didn't realize that although "the universe" is conspiring and the stars are aligning, I would still have to make some bold decisions and thoughtful choices. Calculated risks. I chose not to do anything and so nothing happened. I allowed life to keep pulling me in the direction I would go. I was just blowing in the wind and didn't even know it. 

This time is different. I know I have to do my part. I have to be as fearless as I claim to be. I have to be willing to take risks and do things differently than I'm used to doing. I have to trust God and allow him to order my steps, knowing that he made me capable of making the necessary decisions. We're in this together and I'm so excited for what's next. 

-Ness

Daddy's Little Girl

I think about you EVERY single day. I long for you every single day. In a way, I almost feel….<<abandoned>>

Honestly, I'm still a little angry.

Angry at the fact that YOU were supposed to be here to walk me down the aisle when I got married. Selfish thought? It's honest. I'm angry that you brushed it off and said, "I don't have no cancer" when my mom first suspected it. I'm so hurt and ANGRY because I love you so much and there is absolutely nothing I can do to bring you back. You aren't here in the physical form anymore. I can never feel your arms around me ever again. I don't have you to call when I get stuck in the snow. I don't have you to run to and vent about my mother getting on my nerves (lol). I find myself experiencing a heightened sense of anxiety. I'm more prone to randomly lashing out on friends. And, being alone terrifies me. I just need you back.

I just miss you.

Frustrated? Yes, but I know you loved me unconditionally. I never had to question that. My fondest memory of you growing up is of me being beyond excited when you picked me up from school, because you were the cool parent and you always brought me a "treat" to snack on of my liking. Couldn't no one tell me my father wasn't cool. Yes, you had your flaws, but who doesn't? You  were always there when I needed you. And for that I am forever grateful for the handsome man God chose to make MY father. See you later Mr. Wiley.

Love you always,

-L

I caught myself by surprise yesterday. I found myself feeling nervous and unsure. Insecure even.

The day before that I felt sad. Completely overcome by sadness. Even in the midst of all the fun, sadness was all I could think about. The weight of grief was on my shoulders, around my ankles, on my tongue.

Today I am in pain. Feeling the effects of Eve's disobedience.

On Saturday, I felt weak. Friday, I was tired. Last Thursday, I was stressed. Wednesday, I was pissed.

Sounds like a bad week, right? But every single one of those days I still felt blessed. I still felt thankful. I still felt loved. Everyday, I felt inspired. Every one of those 7 days, I made it through. Thanks to you.

"You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad. Love what you got and remember what you had." -Unknown

-Ness

My Work of Art.

A black broken heart covered with bloody red new found love. Splattered with soft aquamarine tear drops, yet mixed in with bright yellow happiness. Green with envy ringlets, blurred with His pure white saving grace. Drizzles of petty pink paint encircled by enormous elephant grey growth.

I'm on one big colorful ride. I'm dipping my paintbrushes into the richest colors possible. Im using my bluest of blues and incorporating them into my perfectly painted rainbows.

I can freestyle this thing. No, I have no choice BUT to freestyle this thing. It's slowly coming together now. I'm slowly coming to understand it. I can finally see it's beauty.

When people ask "what inspired this work of art?", my reply is simply…"life". I had no clue what colors to use or why I was using them. Some of this "painting" was the result of what I thought were mistakes. Some of this "painting" was the result of just going with the flow. But mostly, this "painting" was the result of just knowing that in the end, it will all come together at the appropriate time. For a work of art takes time.

A work of art takes time.

-L

 

 

Escape.

I woke up this morning thinking about how I hadn't written in a while and then I asked myself why. All of a sudden I realized I have been limiting myself. I realized I don't want to always write about the same things. I don't even want to write about myself all the time. I don't want to write as if reality is all there is. Where's the fun in that?

I want to write about dandelion fields and make up stories about the girl I saw walking down the street. I want to imagine an entire life of someone I don't know. I want to be as random as my dreams, mixing pieces of reality together with completely insane and unexplainable events. I want this to be a place where I can lose myself and forget about my day. I want this to be a place that makes me remember that there's so much more to this existence. 

I don't want this to come easy. I want to increase, expand, extend. Most of all, I want to escape. I need to escape.

Waves.

I'll admit that this one is a bit tough for me to articulate, but I promise that this piece of advice has changed my life. So here goes nothing... 

My life recently became more difficult than I could've ever imagined. Sometimes just sitting still, I'm in pain. I say this, not to make you feel bad for me, but to help you understand that I simply don't have the capacity to worry about trivial things. I don't even have the capacity to worry about big things. Right now I just have to focus on being...just being.

But I'm a worrier. I always have been. So how can a worrier stop worrying? One thing I tried was to push all of my thoughts away and literally force myself to stop thinking about whatever it was. Fail. Instead of being less stressed, I was even more stressed because of this added layer. I was stressed about my stress. 

Still following? Good. 

So I was talking to my friend Heather one day, telling her about my stressful stress and how I felt about all of the thoughts that were going through my mind. And she said something simple, but clever. It took me a couple of days to fully digest it. Her comment held much more weight than I initially realized. It was an insight that I plan to take with me for the rest of my life. 

She said something along the lines of "You know you're not obligated to feel something about every thought that crosses your mind? Sometimes it's just a thought and it's okay."

Life, solved. 

This was life changing for me, a worrier, because it allowed me peace of mind. 

Think about it this way. If you're looking out the window and see a person walking by, you don't always stop and ask yourself questions about where the person is going or what you think about them. Sometimes you do, but most of the time you just notice and then they continue walking. No big deal, right?

You can't control what thoughts enter your mind. But you can control how you react to them. Every time a thought crosses your mind, you don't have to ask yourself how you feel about it or feel guilty for thinking it. Or feel bad about not feeling bad. Or scold yourself for thinking about it again. It's just a thought that's passing by. 

This doesn't just apply to dealing with grief. Everyone has daily stress, most people have lingering thoughts. Little reminders that say "Don't forget to stress about this."

If you feel it, let yourself feel it. If it's just a thought, acknowledge it and move on. 

Life is far too short to spend it at war with yourself. So give up your ghosts. Those thoughts that are haunting you. 

Let it come, let it go. 

Let it flow. 

-Ness

"If the ocean can calm itself, so can you" - Nayyirah Waheed

Perfect Strangers

Lovers:

I remember the smell and texture of your hair. I remember your obnoxious laugh. I remember your deeply rooted love for me— intangible, but infallible. I remember your strength. I remember feeling protected and secure in your arms. I remember your confidence. That very sleek, sexy, yet unspoken confidence.

Friends:

I remember us calling or texting each other daily for funny moments, advice, and gossip. I remember us planning "girls night out". I remember our heart to heart conversations. I remember you being there for me when I needed you. I remember you letting me vent over stupid issues. I remember the good times. Hah, including the good times we vowed to take to the grave with us.

I remember...

That everything is always changing. Relationships are always changing.  Happiness becomes sadness and disappointment. Loyalty becomes untrustworthiness. Friends and lovers soon become  strangers-->perfect strangers that is. And then poof!

"Now you're just somebody that I use to know"......Yea, I think that's how the song goes.

Things will always change. People will always come and go. But in each moment that was created, there was beauty that was brought along with it. Regardless if it were a good or bad experience. You lived, you laughed, OR just learned from that particular situation. This situation soon becomes a memory once it passes, but it should be left simply as just that.    

A memory

It cannot be destroyed, nor brought back to life. So the only thing you really have left is the present moment. The only thing you have left is the beautiful moments in your present relationships. New kisses with new lovers. New "girls night out" with new (and old) friends. New lessons to be learned.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      And so I say..

hello, and thank you for the memories to all my now "perfect strangers". You gave me love, you gave me sadness, you gave me laughter, you gave me frustration, you gave me joy, and you gave me the ability to feel emotion at a certain point in my life. (Imagine not being able to feel emotion. That would suck! lol). Thank you for it all!

And to my present, I'm just ready to create more beauty. I'm here to enjoy the ride.

-L

Cultivating Fertile Ground

My friend Ashley posted a quote on Facebook today that really stuck with me..."The grass is greener where you water it." Simple, but simultaneously profound. And the timing was perfect because it provided context for an idea that came to mind last night. I shouldn't say an idea, a word...Fertility.

When people think of the word fertility, they most often think of the ability to procreate. After all, we are at an age where marriage and children is no longer far fetched or surprising. But when you google fertility, the ability to bear children is the second definition. The first is "The quality of being fertile. Productiveness."

That made me think about how people keep asking Lauren and I how we can produce so much content for the blog. First of all, it's not a lot yet to us. We plan to do so much more. But the reason we're able to continue to write new entries weekly or even more often is because we have cultivated a fertile ground where we let ideas flow freely. We reflect more often. We embrace what's going on in the world around us or ignore it if it disturbs our peace. We support each other. We encourage each other. We write affirmations. We water our own soil.

This is something that I'm trying to get into the practice of doing more often. Watering my own soil, planting seeds for things that I want to see blossom in my life. Even in the midst of the dark cloud that covers my head since the loss of my dad. The rain keeps coming, so I keep planting seeds.

Reap what you sow, right?

Right. 

-Ness

For the 10 likes or less girl.

I typically try not to write about anything I’m not truly passionate about. This topic is so necessary.

It’s necessary for the insecure girl with low self esteem. It’s necessary for the girl who thinks she isn’t as cool because she only has 10 likes on her Facebook picture. It’s necessary for the girl who places WAY too much value on her Instagram likes and followers. And it’s VITAL for my future daughter (If I have one of those lol). I’m here to let all of you know, you are worth so much more than the lies social media inflicts upon you.

 Just recently my friends reminded me of how much I’ve always been in my own lane. The other day, I was super excited to promote a post for this here very blog somewhere around 9:30 am. I was so thirsty, I texted my friends telling them to join in and help promote. They proceeded to tell me that it wasn’t “instagram peak hours”. I’m not going to lie, I was really upset that that was even their first thought. I didn’t even know they really followed those type of rules. It surprised me. I had to quickly snap out of it and look at the bigger picture for this blog. They reminded me that in order to gain more views, traffic, etc, it’s best to promote at the appropriate hours to benefit the site. This conversation led me to my next thought in regards to social media.

 I wonder how many people play by these “how to gain popularity via social media rules”?. How many girls/women out there suffer from the NEED, the WANT, and the CRAVING to have validation from others in order to feel liked... cool... and even attractive. I’ll admit from time to time I do fall victim of this, but for me my brain operates something like this “Only got 5 likes. Dang, oh well” lol. Don’t get me wrong, social media is awesome for business and getting yourself out there, but it’s never been something I needed to feed off of for approval. 

I think that’s because my mother raised me to stress about more important things. Like building assets, saving money, continuing my education, and to do what’s right. I don’t always listen (lol), but it's always on my mind. Watching my mother growing up, I learned that being liked, cute, and accepted was only fun until real life hits the fan. Even when I do receive complements about my physical appearance, it goes in one ear and out the other. I never let it go in one ear and to my brain where I could potentially become arrogant or crave the need for more appraisal. This is mainly because I’m so worried about not getting stuck and figuring out my next move in life.

My goal is to continue to be a woman of substance. No amount of instagram likes will teach me that. I like to read, read, and read some more because I’m constantly trying to acquire knowledge that adds value to my life. I’ve learned more from reading than from going to school. I’m trying to work on my relationship with Him. I’m trying to learn about finance. I’m trying to save for my future family. I’m trying to live a more healthy lifestyle. I’m trying to be a better blessing to others.

I’m trying to be a phenomenal woman. 

So, to that 10 likes or less girl...be a pistol instead. I’m your biggest cheerleader. Choose to be a bad ass. Choose to sharpen your craft. Choose to let your light shine in other ways…and you’ll unknowingly receive acknowledgement for being one sharp lady who knows her stuff. You'll be winning way more than the popular instagram chick who probably secretly has terrible self esteem to begin with. Place value in that. Don’t get stuck in artificial land. 

You go 10 likes girl! You’re totally a bad ass in my eyes.
-L

Sittin' Pretty

I was having a conversation with my sister earlier this week about her septum ring and people’s opinions about it. People have the nerve to tell her “But you’re so pretty without it.” The next thing she said is what stuck with me…”I’m not trying to look pretty, I’m trying to be me.”

Take a second to think about that.

When I heard it, I paused for a moment and then agreed wholeheartedly. For us, self-expression is more important and more fulfilling than fitting into someone else’s opinion of what “pretty” should look like. It reminded me of all the times people questioned why I started locs. It reminded me of my father’s funeral when the most frequent questions I got asked outside of the somber “How are you doing?” were “What’s all this?” and “What do these tattoos mean?” in the most judgmental tone possible. By the way, I intentionally wore short sleeves and didn’t hide my tattoos that day. I was there for my dad, just the way he always knew me. I wasn’t there to look “pretty” for you.

People have looked at my tattoos and asked me to consider what I’ll look like in my wedding dress, as if my whole life should be built around this one day. People have questioned my sister about her hair style, eluding to the fact that she would look prettier and maybe even attract more men if she had more hair. Not interested. People ask why I always wear my glasses and don’t wear contacts, telling me “But you look so pretty without them.” Again, we're not here to look “pretty” for you.

Although everyone can appreciate a nice compliment here and there, I have come to despise the constant “You’re so pretty” comments. I have learned that people see what they think is “pretty” and assume there’s nothing else there. People that I’m trying to build genuine friendships with cut things off at “Hey pretty girl” and have nothing more to say. No thanks to the surface level bs.

No doubt that my sister and I are blessed to be beautiful girls, and that we still look “pretty” even when we don’t try. This isn’t about that. It’s about the fact that neither of us have ever been conformists and sittin’ pretty has never been our main objective. 

Untitled.

This post is really ….for us. 

You see here babygirls….

If I’ve learned anything thus far in life, it's that “life" will for sure at some point decide to turn into a perfect little annoying female dog. I like to call her “A bitch”…yes, that’s it!

I want to hold my babygirls. I want to tell them that everything will be just fine. I want to fast forward a couple years to where the wound isn’t so freshly cut open…burning, inflamed, and needing immediate care. I want to take away that dark cloud that seems like it won’t ever go away.

I’m not quite sure how ... not even a year apart from each other, we’ve both managed to lose the only man we knew as “dad”. But it happened. And I have to step back a little and let you two figure this brutal process out. I’ll ALWAYS be here for my babygirls, but I definitely can’t completely stop the hurt or overwhelming thoughts that tackle your brain from time to time like I want. That all comes with time.

You see here babygirls….

You probably can’t see it now, but HE has something big in store for us. HE needed us to wake up  first and learn some things before we could move to the next level. I know it's hard to understand now, but I am for certain HE is taking us all somewhere big. Right now you’re probably still in shock. You’re probably still feeling like “This can’t be real. I must be dreaming”. You’re probably feeling like “I can’t do this”. Trust me, I’ve been there. But what I can say is that it gets so much better with time. You become so much more stronger, and less tolerant of people and situations that try to place negativity onto your plate. You realize that life is way too short to care about things that just aren’t even worth caring for. It was from my hurt, pain, frustration, and sadness that my motivation evolved tremendously. I feel like I can and will accomplish anything I want after going through what I did. And you will too. You’re Hobson girls. You’re my friends (All my friends are so strong!). You’re my sisters.

Mourn and take the time you need to heal your hearts. But there will be a day when you realize this is all part of life’s cycle. It’s inevitable. All of us will one day feel like our hearts were ripped out of our chest. All of us will one day face the passing of someone we loved so much. But we have got to keep pushing forward and leave a legacy for ourselves. Just as our fathers have done for us. I love you both so much. And I refuse to let you ladies sink. 

We are little pistols. Bad. Ass. We got this baby girls. 

-L

Throwback highschool pic up top lol

My friend L'Rin passed away almost three years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the memories we share. For her birthday this year, I wanted to capture the last time she visited me in a dream...

Long Live LEW (1.6.16)

L’Rin was in my dream last night. She visits me often, but this time was different. It started off like they usually do. At first I was so happy to see her because I missed her. That was typical for our relationship. We would always go awhile without seeing each other and then reassure each other of how much we love each other regardless. We had our own lives. But then I noticed why I hadn't seen her. I remembered that she had passed away. This was typical for my dreams as well. But after talking for a few minutes, I had to address it. In my typical Vanessa tone, I said “Nigga, I haven't seen you in almost 3 years and you know why.”  And she looked at me, her smile changed to a guilty, but still cute, L'Rin face. She said “I know…” As if to brush it off. Then I followed up with “we need to talk about that”. Reluctantly, she agreed. And then the dream was over. Just like that.

I wanted to ask her how it felt and what was next. If she still knew about everything going on with us. If she wanted to come back or if she was happy where she was. I just wanted to pick her brain the same way I did after she first had Renee. I just wanted to talk to my friend.

I can't wait until next time...

Love you, L'Rin Elizabeth Wiley.

-Ness

Tap Lessons

Heel, ball change..
Shuffle, ball change...

It feels so good to be able to do my little tap dance again. It's almost as if I just woke up to the sun piercing through the clouds after a thunderstorm. But it taste like sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee. And it sounds like waves brushing up against the ocean shore. Oh, but it feels like I am watching the clouds take various shapes as I lay in the grass without a care in the world. I feel...{Free,  confident, at peace, warmth, and Comfort}

Catch step, double wings...
Shuffle ball change..
Click..

Yes sir! My little tap dance has me on fire! I feel so inspired. I feel so motivated. I feel so...ALIVE again. Something is pushing me to want more out of life, to do better, and to go for whatever it is that I want to accomplish. Ive been looking for this feeling for so long. I've remembered my tap dance now. And I'm putting on a show.

Shuffle ball change...

All that was missing was my tap dance. When you have that routine down with so much passion radiating from your toes, nothing can stop your show. Want to be a doctor? Find your tap dance and tap it out. Want to open up your own business?...tap it out. Want to climb Mount Kilimanjaro?...tap it out (safely of course). So what your tap came off and shoes are looking a little rusty....find another way to tap it out and make it work!

Or, do whatever it is necessary to find that motivation again. It only takes a little motivation to take one big step. The sky is the limit, and anything is possible. Settling for excuses is no longer excusable. No matter how old, young, tall or short.

Oh the lessons that tap dance has taught me.

Tap. It. Out.

-L

March 8th.

Anxiously awaiting 27. 

Oh March 8th.

Oh how you ever so graciously allow me to become one age wiser once a year. You're only every single age you've ever been in life, once a year. 

So, with 27...I have taken it upon myself to be "bad ass"....if you will. I learned this self empowering concept from Shonda Rhime's book titled Year of Yes. Let me give you a taste of some of the motivation her book fed to me....

“Did I just say that I’m actually worried that people will think that I am into myself? I am worried that people will think that maybe I think I am special? That I am in love with myself?
Wait.
Isn’t that the GOAL? Don’t people pay money to licensed therapists to get into themselves, to fall in love with themselves, to think they are special?
Now, let’s all put our Gloria Steinem cashmere thinking caps on and see if we can decipher this puzzler: what is the opposite of a cocky, immodest, brazen woman? Anyone?
A meek, chaste, timid woman.
Who in the name of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Queen Bey wants to be a meek, chaste, timid woman?!
Do YOU? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

”Badassery:
1. (noun) the practice of knowing one’s own accomplishments and “gifts, accepting one’s own accomplishments and gifts and celebrating one’s own accomplishments and gifts; 2. (noun) the practice of living life with swagger : SWAGGER (noun or verb) a state of being that involves loving oneself, waking up “like this” and not giving a crap what anyone else thinks about you. Term first coined by William Shakespeare.”

— Excerpt From: Rhimes, Shonda. "Year of Yes." Simon & Schuster. iBooks

These concepts are self explanatory if you get where I'm going. No more playing small for Lauren W. I'm here to own 27. I'm here to own this year. I'm here to stop living underneath a shell. I'm here to make a statement.

Catch me if you can.

L

I’ve written a lot of things that only live in that one moment, things I don’t think about or reread after writing. I AM WOMAN is not one of them. When I wrote this, I needed it. I went back to it over and over again.

[I AM WOMAN.  (9.14.14)

I sat down to write about all of the terrible feelings I’ve been having lately. All of the things that I’ve found to not be enough about men. But then I realized…I am woman.

I am woman. God made me because man cannot live alone. Man needs me. I am everything he cannot be. Don’t get me wrong, I still – and always will – have expectations for my man. “Keep your standards high” is what my mom always told me as a little girl, as a teenager, and now as a woman. But in doing that, I can’t forget that God made ME, woman. Man simply cannot be me. He wasn’t made to be able to be me. That’s why he needs me. I am strong. I am nurturing. I am loving. I am considerate. I am beautiful. I am loyal. I am graceful. I am responsible. I am intelligent...I am powerful. I am everything that man could ask for. I am woman. So in the midst of disappointment, confusion, adversity…I am woman. I stand boldly. I stand tall. I am me and always will be.]

And then this happened! 6 months later, DJ Kitty Cash dropped this I Am Woman mix in honor of Women’s History Month. “To me, celebrating Women’s History Month was more about honoring the woman that I am becoming and paying homage to the women of influence...I wanted to highlight songs that took me through a specific journey of my womanhood, whilst challenging and bringing awareness to a few ideas that women, including myself, are constantly faced with such as: compromise, sexism, sexuality, vulnerability, power, perception and success.” I can't explain the synergy that I felt when I stumbled across this link. Listening to Whitney Houston, Lauryn Hill, Madonna, Aaliyah, Erykah Badu...the list goes on. Do yourself a favor...

I stayed up way too late last night finishing #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso (founder and creative director of Nasty Gal) and I must say, I loved it! For some of the same reasons other people loved it, but also because she discussed some things that are intensely relevant to me in this moment:

1) Being an Outsider: She discussed being an Outsider a few different ways throughout the book. The one that resonated most with me is when she clarified that being an outsider doesn't necessarily mean that you don't "fit in", but you also acknowledge and embrace the fact that you are somehow different. An outsider is overly observant, taking in the most minute details of every situation. (More to come on this!)

2) Saving money: She encouraged saving 10% of your income at the very least (yikes!). But a goal for me in 2016 has been to save money since I haven't done a good job in the past. I keep telling my friends it's "Save Money '16!"

3) Feminism (of course): At the very beginning of the book, Sophia admits that she's forced to address the fact that "Yes, this is a feminist book." She's sort of anti, but then really not really. If that makes any sense. I feel the same way. I'm a strong advocate for girl power, but don't feel inclined to always shout it from the highest mountain top. (Again, more to come on this.)

4) Perspective - One of the core pillars of this blog is Perspective. And Sophia thinks about it the same way we do. Your perspective is everything. The way you see yourself and the world around you dictates your thoughts, actions, and ultimately your life.

5) Magic. This, without a doubt, was my favorite part of the book. To read that Sophia Amoruso believes in magic the same way I do...It reminded me so much of an entry I wrote on September 25th of last year and I thought this was the perfect time to share:

I Believe in Magic (9.25.15)

Over the last few months, the word magic has been finding me over and over again. It seems like I see it everywhere I turn - ads, postcards, you name it.

I remember very distinctly seeing magic shows as a child and being so amazed. I believed in magic in the sense of finding my card in the deck, the magic of the tooth fairy, the magic of  Santa Clause (even though my parents never specifically endorsed him).

As I got older, I learned that none of those things were real and accepted the fact that there was no such thing as magic. I thought this realization made me smarter, closer to being an adult. Remember the days when all you could dream of was being grown?

Now that I’m even older, I’ll admit...I do believe in magic. There's magic all around us if we choose to see it. I've seen magic in my nephews’ eyes when their parents walk in the door. I’ve heard it in a song. I’ve felt it during a performance when suddenly I could sense the energy of the audience and all the dancers around me pushing me to dance harder and harder. I've felt magic inside of me in my most inspired moments.

"The day I decided that my life was magical, there was suddenly magic all around me." -Unknown

Noise.

It's SO easy to get lost in the "noise". I remember vaguely the very first time I heard that term being used in this context. It was actually from Vanessa lol. I didn't quite understand what she meant initially, but now I couldn't use a more perfect word to describe exactly what I mean. 

Noise. 

The constant voices in my head. The noise of external factors finding its way into my thoughts.

Noise. 

How do I filter these thoughts? How do I put my mind on mute? I use to tell my friends faithfully to "Guard your heart". Well now I also believe in "Guarding your thoughts". My thoughts are what decide if I am going to be happy or not. My thoughts decide if I feel like I can accomplish whatever I want, or if I am ok with beating myself up and feeling like a failure. I have to stop and take a good look at what Im thinking about...what I LET myself think about. Re-focus. 

Its possible that I could be in my own way of greatness simply because of my thoughts. No one can hinder me from reaching my greatest potential but me. Because in the end, that is up to me. It's hard being my number one cheerleader. But I have to be. I have to have my own back first. I have to be good enough with myself to know that when everything comes crashing down, I still have me. So, I have to be selective in what I tell myself, and what I allow into my brain. I spend the most time with myself...so why be my worst critic? 

You go LoLo. You go girl.

-L