Under Construction…
I find myself constantly in a mental war zone. The older I get, the more I discover a new personality trait that may or may not have been inside of me all along. When I was younger, I never had a problem with thinking before I spoke. In fact, I spoke very little. No matter how brutally honest I wanted to be, I kept it contained and made sure my words were sweet, polite, and sugar coated. But currently at 27, thinking before I speak has become a little more of a challenge. Especially without coming off too blunt. I’m not sure if the world around me has molded me into this type of person, or if that's just who I was going to be all along. Often times, people don’t know how to handle this type of Lauren. So now, I feel the communication spirits trying to desperately mold me back to how I use to be.
A Detour…
Instead of telling that one friend that she is absolutely crazy for entertaining the same situation she’s been trying to leave alone for years, I have to find a detour route and tell her that I don’t totally agree with her decision, but I love her and will be here for her regardless of the outcome. Instead of automatically giving my unsolicited advice, I need to take the detour and truly gauge when someone even really wants my advice or just wants to be heard. And instead of telling my loved ones all the things they have done wrong...I need a selfie. I need a picture that allows me to evaluate and see what was wrong with myself first before critiquing another persons selfie.
Traffic…
These "detours" causes me mental congestion. So now am I just biting my tongue or being a decent human being? Am I standing up for myself, or am I turning the other cheek? Am I just being a realist, or just being…too much?
When Traffic Subsides…
I guess what it really comes down to is a lot less judgement, and a little more compassion. Often times, me being blunt or saying something thoughtless is the result of me forgetting. Forgetting to check myself, and forgetting that he or she deep down has their own under instruction zones that need to be worked on.
I forget that WE ALL say thoughtless things or act out in strange ways from time to time. We also ALL have a story to tell, a struggle we faced, or a loved one we've lost (consider yourself lucky if not). Unconsciously our past hurt, fears, insecurities, struggles, and so forth still creep up in our present actions and language. We forget that just because a year or two has passed, whatever pain that was brought upon us some years ago can still creep up on us without any warning. All you’re left with is unexplained behavior in your neighbors eyes.
Home.
All in all, I am who I am. That can’t be changed overnight. But I know I must put more effort into remembering. Remembering that none of us are perfect. Remembering that it’s ok to speak your mind, yet it’s ok to be a listening ear as well.
-L